diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Dear Diary #12

Today was a pensive day for me.

I received a text message from a white man that I’m fairly close to. We met at work and kept in touch over the past 2 years. I was running errands when this text came through:

“Happy New Year! I hope all is well with you and yours. I have a something to tell you. I got married on New Year’s Day!”

I stood still for a moment and reflected on this man and our friendship.

He was tall and a bit over weight. His hair was thinning in the front and his belly bulged over his too tight trousers. He never appealed to me sexually as I do not particularly like Caucasians as a whole. But, he had a lightning quick, dry, almost dark humour that I enjoyed. I remember laughing at his jokes and stories. This man worked and worked and worked himself to the bone building as much wealth as he possibly can.

One day, during a brief recess, he admitted to me why he had “a formula” in life. I listened intently. He explained that he knew he wasn’t good looking. He wasn’t blessed like his older, more attractive brother. His skin was pale, almost sickly looking and his overall physique was nothing to stare at. I glanced at him and said nothing.

He went on to tell me that a man needs to prove his worth before he can take a bride. He had no money, no house, no stable plan to build a family, no plans to homeschool his children and before he could ever marry a woman, he’d need to lay down the groundwork. That was the real reason why he was killing himself to become “somebody”.

I slowly nodded as I listened. I watched this man, whom I was intellectually attracted to, tell me how men function. How men work. How men deal with life. How men deal with women. Then I had flashbacks of my own life, especially my youth, dealing with black males.

One by one, from all over the Diaspora, black male after black male, told me how he and I would “have some pretty babies together” without once mentioning the institution of marriage. Then I thought about:

  1. The black man who become enraged at me in public because he took me to a “nice” steakhouse restaurant, the kind where they have a Dress Code, and I didn’t wish to invite him back to my place afterwards.
  2. The black man told told me to my face that I’m ok to play with but he’d rather have white girls.
  3. The black man to asked to pay for his meal when the check came because “things are tight right now.”
  4. The black man who lied to me about being married with children just so he could have some playful fun with a young, black, hippie yuppie from NY.
  5. The black man who once wrote me a two page list of all the things he required in a woman but his duties as a man were never on there.
  6. The black man who became almost violent with me because I refused to date him.
  7. And lastly, the black males who write to me to call me every dirty name in the English language because I’m finally speaking out against the bullshit.

Sometimes I sit quietly and ponder what happened to the Original Man .

He loves to call himself a Mighty King but never realizes that he lacks a Kingdom.

Today, whilst running errands, a haggard white female called one of her biracial, brown children a nigger.

What the black man wants is to nest prettily in another man’s Domain and live off of his labour and his sweat. A young woman that wrote me called them:

Manderella

If Cinderella were a guy... - YouTube

That way, when something goes terribly wrong, and it will as ALL Kingdoms have deep issues and idiosyncrasies, he can bear zero responsibility and have the comfort of knowing that a capable man will “handle it.”

I texted him back:

“Congratulations “X”! If anyone deserves this, it’s you! Give the blushing bride a kiss from me.”

I meant every word.

There are times when I feel 100% sure that the Creator will get us through this…this…rough patch. After all, we are reaping the Generational Curses of refusing to do what is right in our very own communities. Then I sober up and look at who we are.

I look at who’s doing all the fighting.

I look at who’s trying to make real change.

I look at who’s running the households and working a full time job.

And I begin to think again.

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12 thoughts on “Dear Diary #12

  1. When did BM stop being men? So many just want the women to do all of the heavy lifting in the relationship- financially, emotionally, etc. They don’t want to do the work on themselves, so how can they be functional in a truly equal relationship with someone? The worst thing a woman can do is get involved with a “Project.” If he doesn’t have himself together, he’s not going to be your “better half.” You can’t “fix” people.

  2. @ madame

    Many women enjoy Projects. It gives them a sense of purpose.

  3. Yes, but from what I’ve seen, they spend more time working on the men and not on themselves. The men resent them for trying to change them and it never ends well.

  4. @ madame

    This is something they never take into consideration.

  5. Kyra Barr on said:

    Our nature as women is to care, comfort, and nurture the people who are in our lives. They key that I have learned is that once a person reveals to you their true nature, you must then from that point on deal with them according to knowledge of who they really are.

  6. BM just gross me out, especially the way how they describe how their ideal biracial daughters are supposed to look like!
    How they want their future biracial daughters to have lighter hairs and eyes, loose curls, pale skin, and European features.
    What’s really sick me how can a grown man describe in perfect detail how a little girl should look like?
    When you hear them talking like that, they give me a pedophile vibe!

    Now, if they see light-skinned BW of biracial women walking down on the street, they don’t even bother anymore to ask you what’s your name?
    They straight away ask you what are you mix with what, If they find out that you aren’t mixed, they just walk away from you!

    These fools are checking for skin color and hair texture like they’re in a pet shop looking for a dog to breed!

    I think BM resent the fact they were born men, because in generally are men duties
    to be a provider, protect, and build!
    They are jealous that BW were born female, so we can help economically but up to a certain point! They refuse to take responsibility!

  7. @ Kyra

    Excellent advice!

  8. Kyra Barr on said:

    @diaryof a Negress

    Thank you , You’re welcome !

  9. dlboydx on said:

    @DOAN, listen to this young man & especially towards the end beginning at the 12:00 mark. You wrote a post about it, “when Black women says its a wrap…” There are other Black women content creators saying the same thing. Well, i don’t know if this young dude is sincere or not, but he says he sees the writing on the wall. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Kj6rxIPj00

  10. dlboydx on said:

  11. @ dlboydx

    Nice video.

    It has already begun in more ways than one. I have black women telling me privately that they are aborting male fetuses. They tell me that black men are now completely off their list of choices.

    We won’t see it now. The changes, I mean. It’ll show itself in the next generations to come.

  12. Kyra Barr on said:

    This young man seems very genuine. There are still some good black men that are our there. Men of all races can be rude, ugly and disrespectful. I am thankful that there are still some black men that value, and care about black women. There is still hope. Thank you for sharing this video. @dlboydx thank you for sharing this information. I know many black women are hurt, yet there is still hope for healing.

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