Observations of an Invisible Woman


Image result for women walking out the door



I wish Miss Pam was here to talk to.

I’ve been going around in circles about this topic for about 3 years. It’s a sensitive topic. It’s a divisive topic. But it’s a lethal and necessary topic.


Over the last 3 years, I’ve witnessed a silent but dangerous exodus in the black community.

With black women.

Yes…the one group least likely to date out, sex out, marry out, procreate out.

Black women are leaving black men.

And they’re not coming back.



A few years ago, I was in Philly looking around at the new upscale shops and eateries. I strolled around the Rittenhouse and Downtown Market East Street eager to see what was new and what survived. I witnessed, with my own two eyes, black women, mostly young-ish, some middle aged, adorably pretty, mainly slender, natural-haired, well put together, educated, soft, feminine, girl-next-doorish, soft spoken, with bangin’-ass bodies with non-black, mostly white males.


They were in their own world.

They window shopped together.

Laughed at their own jokes.

Held hands.

Shared coffee.


One white man handed a black woman a tissue for her runny nose. It was an intimate, sweet gesture.

I sat behind one black female, ( I think) Hispanic male. They sat and spoke quietly to each other. He paid the check with a credit card and not once did she ever reach for her pocketbook.

My observations heightened over the years when I saw black college girls and women with their white and (mostly brown-skinned) Asian boyfriends. At the market, they stroll hand in hand looking at any little thing and speaking amongst themselves.

I spoke to a former Black Power, fist in the air, black female about what was going on.

Her simple response?

“We’re sick of the bullshit.”


Miss Pam and I used to speak on many topics like this privately and wondered what would become of the black race if the last line of defense, the black female, said “fuck this shit, I choose happiness over struggle. ”


Over the past 10 to 15 years, I’ve watched (and read) as black men took to a PUBLIC forum to tell the entire world that their women, the womb, the vagina, the cooking, the house keeping, the sex , the conversation and the very existence of their mirror image isn’t worth a goddamn.

I’ve heard horror stories from my own readers about the abuse, the beatings, the killings, the rape and molestation from the men in their family and neighbourhoods. I’ve listened to the rantings of angry and depressed black men who blame the black female for his failings in life all because she wears too much make up and has on a hair weave.

Never mind the fact that she allows him to live in her house for free, eat her food, sleep on her couch/ bed, provides him with heat so he won’t freeze and gives him sex on the regular.

None of that matters.

It’s her penchant for weave that’s destroying the earth.


To be frank and brutally blunt:

If this continues, we’re fucked.


Once you take away the womb from a Clan, Tribe, Community, it perishes.

Just ask the desperate Chinese males that are running around the planet asking any female to marry and give them a baby. They kidnap wives from Thailand, Malaysia and the Philippines and beg them not to run away.

They travel to Africa and marry black women who are left defenseless and alone to inherit their Matrilineal Resources.


All the while, I have one question to ask.

Where are the black men?

What are they doing to prevent the top tier of their women from leaving?

The baby-mammas will always be available. They know this.

I’m talking about the woman you can bring home to meet your mother and have her secretly ask her about her ring size.

She is leaving.

I’ve been told by one black female reader on here that she’d rather be with the historical oppressor and be taken care of and her needs met than be with a black man who refuses to build with her. Refuse to provide for her. Her last boyfriend told her even though he makes really good money in Sanitation, he’s not supporting a stay at home wife and future mother of his children!


This post is painful to write. Painful to re-read. But necessary.


If we as a collective don’t get it together and begin to hold OURSELVES accountable for our degenerate behaviour, we’re not gonna make it.


It begins with loving the image in the mirror.






This post will be heavily moderated. DO NOT come on here with accusations of bedwenchery and how black women plotted with white males during slavery to kill black males.  Even though my blog doesn’t typically attract certain black people, every once in awhile, I do get them.

The purpose of this post is to inspire deep thought and self reflection. 






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44 thoughts on “Exodus

  1. anythingbutordinary19 on said:

    Wow. I’ve followed your blog for about 4 years and i’m so happy you touched on this! This is the most elegant but raw way to address this problem.

    I hope you continue address this issue and similar issues.

    Love your blog!

  2. @ anythingbutordinary

    I gratefully allowed Miss Pam tackle this terrible topic. She wrote books on this and on how we’re all being manipulated to despise each other but…

    We live in a PATRIARCHAL system so it’s the man’s responsibility to be the provider, protector and producer.

    Is that fair to him to have all that responsibility?


    But that’s the rules and we women must play along with this Marriage/ Womb Contract if we wish to survive.

    Pam tackled this topic beautifully and inspired the rage of many black males and some male-identified females.

    I chose to stay from this because it’s bitter and raw but I can’t help but speak on this. One black male came on here and basically to me that a black woman’s purpose in life is to serve him.

    He gave me a list, yes a list, of all the things a black woman must do to keep his interest. Things that white and non-black women NEVER have to live up to.

    Self hatred is the most powerful form of genocide.

  3. The Melanin Man on said:

    The Black men and women that choose the interracial route are, I hate to say it, dead souls anyway. You can’t worry about the ones who choose not to wake up from the madness, who choose “happiness”, which is an illusion, over liberation. Let them stay plugged in the matrix. The average Black person cannot even comprehend the metaphysics of Black love. It’s a game changer on so many levels. Love between a Black man and woman, who are also both conscious, will destroy the current parasitic paradigm we find ourselves under. That’s why you can’t find it on the idiot box. They know we hold the key. There is no love on this Earth like Black love. None other can compare.

  4. @ Melanin Man

    What you say is indeed true.

    However, the fact that many black women are now choosing to live in the Matrix and have a false sense of “happiness” over being free speaks VOLUMES about their frustration and moreover, how they see the black man.

    A black female commenter on here told me via email that she wants children WITHIN wedlock. She only has a set amount of time to accomplish this as all women do.

    “What am I supposed to do?”, she asks me. “Wait for a black man that may or may not come?”

    I cannot tell any woman in good conscience to allow herself to be “put on the shelf” and wait for a black man to wed her and provide for her when he feels like it while other men with HOPEFULLY good intentions are knocking on her door.

    It’s easy to blame white supremacy for everything that’s wrong with us but at some point, we’re gonna have to face the truth about our degeneracy.

  5. The Melanin Man on said:

    Yeah there has been some major degeneration on our part. We are not an open minded people anymore.

  6. C Oscar Lawshea on said:

    “we’re gonna have to face the truth about our degeneracy.” Where did the degeneracy begin?

  7. @ C. Oscar

    What are your ideas?

  8. This is both a painful read and yet a necessary take from a female perspective, sans the rhetoric. As I look to ride my bicycle, off into the sunset of my life, I have concluded that we have few examples of authentic manhood. I have in the past criticized black women for many things (not the superficial nonsense these kneegrows do), and have concluded that regardless of who she is, the woman will cleave/follow/submit/support/build with (whatever superlative we want to use) with authentic masculinity, that knows who he is, what he is about and where he is going, in relations to Afurakan survival. I am tired beloved! Tired! Tired of the bullshit and unrealistic expectations, we shove at each other.
    There is a reason why the male savage is going at Black women And it’s mainly because his woman is the most disagreeable to live with. And since a lot of black women find us disagreeable to live with, these two naturally find each other as back up. I have stopped being upset at race betrayal. A lot of people have genuine beef, that supersede the big picture of cultural survival. Whether we agree with their choices or not, the reality is that the young ones are watching, learning and being taught that this is most acceptable. If no nation can rise no higher than its woman, then it stands to reason that no nation can ever be relevant without the men lifting the women. Permission to share this on my blog and on my stupid book page.

  9. A private letter from “X”, my reader:

    I read your most recent post. I really only have two things to say:

    1. This state of affairs owes much to the self loathing of Black women, Black mothers specifically. Mothers have an almost total control over their young children. It’s mom who feeds you, clothes you, keeps you clean when you’re a baby. It’s mom who you have your very first interactions with. It’s mom who coos the little nonsense in your ear and gives you your first taste of language (it’s called “mother tongue” for a reason!).

    Women, even in a patriarchal society, have some power and much of it is realized through motherhood. Now, it’s not institutional power; it’s just power over their own children, but in my opinion Black women do not wield this power properly. I have heard many women whine about unhelpful men are in the home, how a man can’t cook and feed the kids if she’s not there, won’t do the laundry, blah blah blah. But how many of us will buy our BOYS (yes folks, it has to start early) an easy bake oven so he can mimic what we’re doing in the kitchen and get comfortable with cooking?

    How many of us will give our teenage boys the chore of doing household laundry? How many of us encourage and REWARD our boys for taking care of younger siblings/cousins? Then fast forward to when they are horny teenagers and putting up posters of beautiful women in their rooms. Do we steer our young sons/male relatives towards unambiguously Black women and girls? Or do we tolerate and approve of our boys’ desire for anybody but a Black woman? Fast forward to when they become men and are romantically involved with non Black women. Do we show our stark disapproval?

    Are we willing to banish them from our presence/disown them for such romantic choices? No? If not, we need to saddown and shut up, because if there is no serious and painful consequence for our men rejecting Black women, they will continue to do so. Too many Black women lament the dearth of Black Love but are not looking at the part we are playing in its demise. When these young men have children with these non Black women, are we disappointed? Or are we secretly (and openly) delighted that these “good hair” kids are related to us?

    When these kids are born, are we prepared to write our young men out of wills and find Black conscious unrelated heirs to what we have built rather than give our life’s work over to white women? Are we prepared to limit our interactions with these children of these unions? If no, then saddown. If we say we are about Black Love and Black families, then we must bring these into being BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

    That means hurting people’s (maybe even children’s) feelings. It means snatching resources away from people you love, even when it hurts your heart to do so, if they deviate from the mission. It means building and enforcing strict borders of Blackness. The world is always trying to drag Blackness and Black people down. We will never rise by playing nice and encouraging self hatred.

    2. Baby mommas are not some special and disgusting semi sentient lower life form. They are not fundamentally different from “the woman you can bring home to meet your mother and have her secretly ask her about her ring size.” Baby mommas are just women who trusted unworthy men.


    I rebuke this line of argument that assumes that it is the woman (baby momma) who is unworthy of respect. It is the man who is unwilling to give/show it to her, and it is other women who cosign men’s exploitation of certain women so they can feel superior. My mother is a baby momma.

    My grandmother was at one point, a baby momma. Almost all my aunts were baby mommas. Ditto most of the women I know from my childhood neighborhood. What all these women had in common were that they were encouraged to be doormats FROM CHILDHOOD.

    They were fed stories (which I’d sure the boys heard too) of how men’s unfaithfulness was inevitable. They lived in situations where the men owned everything, so the women had to shut up and take it. They were never taught and shown that a girl should be forceful and take her life in her own hands, advocate for herself, cut off worthless men without mercy, and operate in her own self interest. Too many Black girls are being raised I look around and see for the most part, today’s baby mommas are no different than yesteryear’s.

  10. @ blackmystory

    Your tiredness matches mine.


    Why is it that we are the only people that do not practice a racial code of conduct? Have you noticed that every other race will blast each other PRIVATELY but in public they appear to stick together and defend each other even when they know they’re wrong?

    And what is “unrealistic expectations”?

    I know that many men find this topic distasteful but since this is indeed a patriarchy, men must assume (partial) responsibility and blame for his woman’s disagreeable acts and race betrayal.

    If a woman feels that her needs are NOT being cared for, she’s going to go to a man that will provide for her.

  11. And yes, you can share this.

  12. @ “X”

    Excellent point made!

    Let me ask you something very simple yet profound.

    How can a black woman wield her power and teach the next generation how to be upstanding men and women when she is BOTH mother and father, the victim of sex abuse, the victim of mental abuse, working multiple jobs as a single mother and basically trying to fend for herself with zero protection?

    This myth of the black superwoman is long antiquated.

    And it’s *unfair* to compare her to other races of women who HAVE the protection of their men.

    White women can make those DEMANDS on their children because their men allow for it. And I meant no disrespect to baby mammas. But you must admit that certain black women are especially targeted to be Breeders and not Wives.

  13. What I mean by unrealistic expectations are exactly as you describe how some what of these dudes “expect” from their compliment. I mean I have seen videos where kneegrows be talking about the are disgusted when black women wear their hair naturally. AS if black women don’t have enough shamming done to them for their natural hair. Then you have the kneegrows who expect his woman to take care of him as if he was her child. I could go on and on, but these are but two of the unreal expectations I am talking about. Thanks for the go ahead beloved.

  14. @ Blackmystory

    I see.

    Thank you.

  15. C Oscar Lawshea on said:

    Can a people nurtured, conditioned and educated in a degenerate society grow into healthy functioning adults? (Where did the degeneracy begin?)

  16. @ C Oscar

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news but black people’s degenerate behaviour and our tendency to denigrate our females happened LONG before the white man EVER came to this planet.

    One of the things I abhor is our penchant for deflecting responsibility. Look up the Moors and how they treated their women with the invading Turks/ Berbers.

    This is far greater than white supremacy.

  17. C Oscar Lawshea on said:

    ” Look up the Moors and how they treated their women with the invading Turks/ Berbers.” I’m not talking about the Moors; I’m talking about black people in America. “One of the things I abhor is our penchant for deflecting responsibility.” Interesting statement considering that personal responsibility of making the correct choices when finding a mate has not been mentioned once in this thread. Surely the signs were there that these men are/were poor providers and protectors(men that black society do not need). When making important life decisions, is personal responsibility a factor? “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but black people’s degenerate behaviour and (our tendency) to denigrate our females happened LONG before the white man EVER came to this planet.” Now that’s a very revealing statement; There are those in the dominant society that think we have a tendency toward degeneracy as well. Tendency…are you saying the behavior is innate out side of causality?

  18. @ C. Oscar

    Thank you for proving the very point of this post.

    This post was written to ask a very pertinent question about the black male collective and how their lack of incentive and respect is driving the LEAST likely group of women to seek partners outside of her race.

    If she “chooses better” and chooses the non black male, then according to your logistics, she made the correct choice.

    I really don’t care about whites in this post. Constantly deflecting about whites while denigrating the womb that birthed you sounds sophomoric.

    No white man can MAKE any black man hate his woman and berate her publicly. No white man can MAKE any black man spit in the face of his mirror image then uplift the women of another man’s Patriarchy.

    The one thing about Patriarchy that many black males DO NOT seem to understand is:

    You cannot elevate another race of women without elevating her men as well.

  19. C Oscar Lawshea on said:

    “If she “chooses better” and chooses the non black male, then according to your logistics, she made the correct choice. ” Not my logistics at all; I asked is personal responsibility a factor when making important life changing choices. “If she “chooses (better)” and chooses the (non black male).” Are you saying choosing a non black male is the better choice? I most certainly did not say nor imply that…very interesting that you decided to type that. “No white man can MAKE any black man hate his woman and berate her publicly.” Oh quite the contrary, given enough time and right timing to people who understand how the mind can be manipulated/shaped, they can produce adults that will literally destroy themselves. This isn’t new, the science of behavior modification. “No white man can MAKE any black man spit in the face of his mirror image then uplift the women of another man’s Patriarchy. ” White women need no uplift from other men, she gets that a plenty from her man. The only thing black men can do(the ones that are into that) is lust after her; nothing more nothing less. Nothing I typed has proven any of your points and you didn’t answer any of my questions in the last post; are you doing so on purpose?

  20. @ C. Oscar

    I’m done.

  21. angel9loveu on said:

    Wow you have great timing!!! I feel like those black women, I’m sick and tired of the going in circles with black men and getting nowhere.They talk a good talk but power is more than just talking it’s action.It always comes around to black women being the fault of all their woes.If they’re not calling us all bedwenches it’s them concerned with petty issues(still not proof of power).It popped into my mind based on some experiences that black men talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They like to talk themselves up and how powerful they are, that white ppl don’t dear mess with them and choose soft targets(women). But I always think how evil and ridiculous to boast when the black woman wouldn’t be messed with if they were actually doing what they said instead of imagining they’re doing it.Like building the community and protecting it from invaders.Right now I see black males look at black women with disdain, or don’t even look at them while a fat, nasty Becky or Emily will have them drooling out of control. They say they are powerful but I look around to see where they’re making the impact and crickets.
    Black women are tired of the disrespect and honestly no one likes to be insulted not even black me.But the selfishness is at an all time high.And lack of accountability.They will check the black woman for her stepping out yet wouldn’t even look in her direction while another black man they overlook.However, mentioning these even in a non insulting manner might get you chewed out and labeled bed wench of the year

  22. qnubian528 on said:

    I don’t blame these BW who choose to go with WM and other men because BM are the only men and I have been witnessed several occasions that publicly BM insult,humiliate,say thing like ” I don’t like or I don’t want to date BW,I prefer WW!”
    One day when I left this supermarket the cashier a BM,he told to his colleagues were all black females that ” he didn’t like my natural hair!”,all this happened in front of bunch wp!
    BM are only giving what wp want hear and see,but self-hatred coon think they are doing a favour to wp,choose to sleep with white females but they are only bringing down the ruin of black race!
    WM as well despises their women in publicly and humiliate them, but the different is WM are in the power and everything they say or do,it will not be any consequences because their women will still want to be with them and married them!

  23. angel9loveu on said:

    meant *not even black men.

  24. @ Angel

    Do you think the lack of accountability on their part is justification for black women dating out/ marrying out?

  25. @ cocoaberry

    This is something that many black (and white) scholars have noted throughout history.

    I’d also like to point out on thing.

    No man will ever be respected while he is disrespecting is woman. That is not how patriarchy operates.

  26. @ qnubian

    Your last sentence sums it all up nicely about the power structure dynamic.

  27. A response from “X”:

    I am not advocating that Black women be super human. Super human “strong black woman” nonsense is expecting women to police and change the behavior of grown men. Notice, I said nothing of the sort. I just want Black women to control the behavior of their MINOR CHILDREN, and to also go in defense mode.

    Now I understand that waaaay too many of us have been/ are being traumatized and abused, lied to etc. But that doesn’t mean we’re lying by the side of the road wailing and useless for eternity. We get up and keep going because we have to, and I’m just saying that this is yet another thing we have to do: PRESERVE OURSELVES.

    That means stop giving useless men the time of day. That means stop having children with these men. Stop giving our energy to people we KNOW don’t give two fucks about us. Save up some money and see a therapist (They’re much cheaper than psych doctors and from what I understand, much more helpful). If we can save up for entertainment and beautiful clothing, we can save up to take care of ourselves and our mental health.

    Freedom will NEVER be given to anyone by anyone else. If you want to be free, you better rise up and TAKE that shit. It is true when we’re talking about Black men vs white men and it is just as true of Black women vs. Black men.

    Quiet as it’s kept, there is a sizeable contingent of Black women who are not busted down, beaten or abused. And guess what? Too many of them are also falling for the okey doke. I know Black women with two married and loving parents dealing with worthless men. My good friend from high school is such a person. I remember in high school her parents, especially her mom, used to put so much pressure on her to be “ladylike, ” watch and critique every damn thing she did while letting her younger brother do whatever the heck he wanted. My friend threw away her chance for a profession (the parents were paying for her to attend nursing school) to be with a thuggish man who was working in the kitchen of her parents’ restaurant. Let that one sink in.

    As blackmystory said, we have few examples of authentic manhood so the rough guy is made appealing. So my friend dropped out of school to birth babies with this man and live in poverty. When she got tired of that, she ran to her parents. They paid for her to marry this man and her grandfather bought her a house and a car before he died.

    On more than a few occasions I had to give her money to pay bills and feed her kids as this man was (a) deficient and (b) stingy as hell. Now her son is 15 and I have to constantly tell her to address his bad ideas about manhood. What’s her excuse? There are quite a few like her. I would be so mad if her son turned out to be a blight on some young girl’s life like her husband is on hers. I truly believe it is too late for most people of my generation, but we can try to fix things with the ones coming up.

    As Black women, we’ve always had to work, and that puts us in a different realm than most other groups of women. I have always noticed that as a collective, Black people spend quite a bit of time running up under white peoples asses. Whatever whites want, we want also. This stay-at-home-momism seems to be one of those trends. I personally would never advocate any woman sit for ten and twenty years in a marriage solely dependent on her husband. I can understand dropping out of the workforce (whether corporate or not) for a FEW years to take care of children or whatever.

    But after that a woman MUST earn some money by her own effort. Anything can happen to people. So many men are fickle. If you’re a woman, do you reallllly want to be dependent on a man who is doing you wrong? I promise you don’t! Even if your man is a great one, bad things can happen to good people. What if he dies? Where does that leave a non working woman? What if he is diagnosed with a debilitating illness?

    If the man isn’t rich (very few of us have rich men) I believe we do need our own income. One thing that is often not mentioned by white people or anyone who is jumping on the stay-at-home-mom/wife bandwagon is that many men cease to consider their wives equals when they are supporting a household alone. Some of them get resentful, while others start to regard the wife as another of the kids. I first read about this phenomenon in high school when I read John Stuart Mill’s “On the Subjection of Women.”

    I was to hear it multiple times up close and personal from various men when I worked in the military and security industries. And by “various,” I mean Black men, white men, Arab men, Southeast Asian men Spanish speaking men. When you’re a woman working in these industries, keeping your mouth shut, head down and doing your work, errbody wants to come and spill their guts!

    Another thing about working, especially when it comes to single mothers is that it’s THEIR money that’s feeding the kids. As such, it is her DUTY to train and rein her sons by letting them know that she is their sole provider and as such, they need to observe her discipline. You know, I just thought about these drawings and photos of Black women that the Afrocentric (male) crowd is always pushing (and why are the women almost always nekkid?

    But that is another question for another time). You notice how they are so quick to call Black women “goddesses?” And we fall for it, declaring ourselves goddesses? I feel most of us who do that don’t believe it, or have not thought about what we’re saying. Yes, goddesses are beautiful, but more important than their beauty is their power. A goddess is adored, but she must also be feared.

  28. This post is so sad. This is one of the reasons why I started talking about the importance of black unity on my blog and Twitter page. The only way we’re going to make it out of the mess we’re always complaining is through unity. If this keeps happening and nothing gets done about it immediately, our people are DOOMED!


  29. @ My Sparkling thoughts

    You know, I’ve thought long and hard about the plight of our people and the special plight of the most vulnerable woman on this planet:

    The black female.

    I have NO proof of this but I have a gut feeling that there is some Divine Karmic Law/ Design/ Window/ Plan that states that the black female MUST be given a chance of survival.

    Just a Chance.

    What we choose to do with it is up to us.

  30. angel9loveu on said:

    Absolutely not I don’t condone swirling.Black women/men who do swirl hop from the frying pan into the fire.No one can make you do something you don’t want to do.If a BW,BM swirls it’s cause they’ve been disneyfied. Economically, the white man, Asian, etc… might seem like a great alternative but swirling is genocide for us .White men are never an option cause historically to now they’ve always disgusted me.As they are evil as all hell in everything they do. Incapable and void of any true compassion or empathy.They have incited so much violence, division, hatred, wickedness in the world it’s a curse just to be with them. It already feels like a curse dealing with our own black men and their delusions.Going out to those who have called the most genocide and have blood on their hands is not something I would want for my offspring.
    Black males who are suppose to be our ideal mates, our backbone insult us to the core daily. I saw on youtube where they go around asking, What do you prefer black women or white or light skin or dark skin? And the overwhelming population of black males or mixed chose either white or light. That’s all on their minds, superficial rubbish.

    It’s excruciatingly painful to know that they would rather beat down the women who share their pain and make no mistakes about it undergo the same treatment from this wicked society as they do than to see how their actions on inactions affect us collectively.Some BW are still ride or die but are growing weary.I may not agree with swirling but I can see why they’ve had enough and are done waiting. Risking the possibility of dying an old maid because black men didn’t find her attractive as they were too busy coveting in the other nations so called greener pastures seeking out sub human heifers.And blimps that look like like they’re a character, straight out of animal farm.

    I feel the insult and experience it daily from black men all shades but mainly dark skin black men right now. I’ve seen how majority of BM treat us black women and have experienced it first hand all my life.I’ve seen black men give the cold shoulder for no reason, those you’ve never met won’t look you in the face, they are literally behaving like racist white men.Like a scene out of the movie “Get Out”. They do too much projecting and blame-shifting, which is avoidance of the fact they’re not living up to their expectations.They make false accusations and false claims based off of their experiences with their mothers, baby mamas, girl friends etc… While Becky does the same and worst taking almost if not all their fortune if they’re rich, and you never hear a peep out of them. 😬😑😶
    But they call the black woman a gold digger, tear her down on any social media platform, drag us for filth on issues we are not all involved. Never have I seen any other race of men getting on social media platforms or making youtube videos to denigrate and subjugate their own women but the BM. It seems that if they don’t realize the error of their ways they will be the end of the black community.And the women usually if they have a strong male figure in their lives won’t be rolling out with the foolishness to go chase down her oppressor for love.

  31. timothy9876 on said:

    We certainly need self reflection. The black youth certainly need definite education that without respecting black women, you can’t respect yourself. Also, any human being should have accountability. Black men should never fear accountability since accountability builds strength and human character. These black women aren’t lying. We know that every black man aren’t like this, but many black men do have self hatred, do exploit women, and act disrespectful against black women. As a black man, this is true. We, as black men, should never be sensitive or overact everything a black woman gives an honest story about her experiences. Her words aren’t worse than a racist killing a black person. Her words are never worse than discrimination and economic oppression. Her words aren’t more extreme than police brutality.

    Therefore, action is necessary in solving our problems. Also, it is important to acknowledge the black men and the black women who are mentors, therapists, and heroes helping black people daily. If you want to expose problems, then that is fine without omitting heroes on the front lines everyday. In the final analysis, integrity, morality, and building are necessary. There is no freedom with disrespecting black women. Black women are the greatest allies of black men.

    Black men more than ever should not only respect black men but confront any man (of any color) who denigrates black women. Courage is about standing up for something since if a man isn’t ready to die for an ideal then his life is meaningless. I will always believe in Black Liberation and Black Love. That is why I never dated outside of my race and I will never will. This article is important for promoting self-reflection and justice. The future represents an opportunity. Either we get it together and do the work or we perish. I have faith and hope for the future of my black people. I will keep the faith.

  32. Greetings,

    Perhaps I’m late to the party, but I did want to chime in. It breaks my heart to see and – even more closeup – witness this recent occurrence. Not too long ago, before her untimely passing, I interviewed Dr. Frances Cress Welsing in her D.C. office for a film project. She’s the author of the “Isis Papers”, noted psychiatrist and Sistah who spent practically her entire life de-coding White Supremacy (myth) racism while providing tangible steps for us to deal with its impact in a healing self-affirming and self-loving way. At the behest of my two sisters I was provided questions from them asking her to solve this issue regarding what are Black women to do while they “wait for Brothers to get their act together”?

    Her response was, “We don’t understand that a war is going on against us as a people, and in a war men are killed. You have to understand the nature of the war.”

    For the purposes of this conversation, killing can be considered one of many forms of elimination for Black men in today’s society along with unemployment or economic displacement, etc… She also gave the example of what her mother did while her father was away fighting in this country’s world war. I will add that Black men in this country have been lynched and continuously emasculated as there balls are cut off in a myriad of ways. The result, we’ve witnessed more Black women become the target of outright racist behavior. Even death.

    Yes, I agree we (Brothers, I’m including myself here) have done some awful things in relationships to our sisters. However, I’ve also been a part of and been told of some awful things the other way around. Sadly, being hurt and having your heart broken and spit back at you is part of relationships in every racial group, yet we are the only ones to state publicly our disdain for the one another. Why is that?

    For Black people there are much better alternatives than running away from each other. I really like this blog that you’ve created. We actually had a brief correspondence about this same topic a few years back. You’ve used this space to address many issues and cogently lay out what we should do to combat what is happening to us. In my eyes this is no different than a post on farming to survive the coming apocalypse.

    Black people need to be in constant dialogue (in safe spaces) to better address what’s going on. I hope the anger ended with theses conversations that Black men and women must have.

  33. tiffianynjackson on said:

    I’m speaking from the perspective of a black woman who is partnered with a black man and has been for the last 16 years. We are both financially successful, child-free and happy. The idea that our “black love” is anymore significant than an interracial one is a really stupid notion. Black women stuck in that mindset WILL continue to be the sacrifice in that struggle matrix.
    Our black women collective has been at Defcon 2 for the last several decades and have been given a violent shove to defcon 1 by their own protectors these last few decades. I’m glad they are waking up.
    It is my sincere opinion that we need to eliminate or reset the community for it to ever have a chance in the future and so it is for that reason that pro blacks should be happy to see black women are packing up and leaving.
    Eventually, a shift will have to happen and the black male collective will have to step up and meet the world standard or die out. Either way, it’s a win for black women after 5 millennia of loss and sacrifice. After being abused and molested and killed WITHIN the black community at rates that dwarf the violence in other communities, I am happy to hear there is a light at the end of the tunnel for my image.
    Some look at what I have an think there is still hope. I tell them the truth. This is highly unlikely!

    Whenever I can, I help my sisters off the sinking Blacktanic and I tell them to never look back, they deserve the best life, free of the sacrifices the BC has saddled them with since birth.

    Thank you for sharing this post. I’m relieved this is the case now.

  34. Layla Melodie on said:

    I’m not here to place blame, but there was time, almost ten years ago if not more, that I was on this very site fighting the good fight. I was with a black man and told black women online they too could have this security.

    A lot of things have happened since then and I am no longer with that first black man who said he was going to marry me and we would have our Afrocentric, tiny nation, but my life continued on and I met many, many wonderful people before and after I turned 30. I advanced in my career and bought a condo and started traveling. I met several black men and one on a paid dating site and I just knew he was the one. He was dark complexioned, hardworking and had a very nerdy vibe. After a few dates, just when I though things were getting cozy, he changed and out came the accusations, and threats that I had read on black sites and blogs for more than a decade. He told me “there were no more women left for him because they were all baby mama’s and preferred thugs and what was left for him?” You could imagine how confused and hurt I was. Here I am, in shape (did an 1 hr. of jump rope cardio 4 days a week), renting my own place, no children, wore pencil skirts with Mac’s Ruby Woo with shoulder length locs.

    After I had wiped the last of my tears and picked my jaw up off the floor that was the moment I knew that my mother had always been right when she said to me over a phone conversation in college ” I have already accepted the possibility that my grandchildren from you will not be all black.”

    I began to accept that possibility too, and the first person that came along after was a half white/Asian man. We dated briefly. He was a bit ghetto, but very, very nice to look at. We went to a few tattoo conventions. After we said our goodbyes (he moved back to Louisiana), I was in the grocery store and I heard this stupid laugh that sounded very familiar. It was a white guy (tall, thin, long light brown hair) I had met in college and at first I pretended to not know him. He had asked me out before and I was very hesitant for reasons you all know. He saw me and came right over. I smiled and we chatted but I still didn’t let on that I remembered him. After about a year of bumping in to him at that grocery store, I wrote my name and number on a piece of paper with a heart dotting the I in my name, placed it in my coat pocket and resolved I would give it to him the next time I saw him. The next time I was in the grocery store I heard his laugh again as he was talking to someone that worked there. I found him coming up the pet aisle and he stopped.

    ” Well, hello there” he smiled. I gave him the slip of paper and walked away. He texted me that night. We’ve been inseparable ever since. I ‘ve lost count of how many rock concerts we’ve been to, and I’m usually the only black woman there. We exchange gifts every important holiday. We camp in his backyard when I feel nature is calling me. Right now, we both think childfree is the best option. I can’t get him to buy me a leather handbag, because he is vegan. We argue and I asked “Am I emasculating?” He frowned. ” You can be argumentative, but no, not emasculating.” We might get married, we might not. He is my life partner for right now. His nerdiness is sometimes painful, but I have to remember he probably thinks that about me. I call him pale and pasty when I get mad. He makes a joke of his whiteness which frustrates me even more because he isn’t taking me seriously. He never denies a request even if he seems to tired to do it. I call him when something needs to be put up outside and comes.

    All I can say is that love shouldn’t elude black women any longer.

  35. Truth Over Tradition on said:

    @diaryofanegress this is a very painful but truthful post. The brainwashing that has been done to the black man’s mind in this society has caused many of them to hate themselves and therefore hate the black woman. This is why they have been dating outside their race for so long. But now the tables are turning and our sisters are doing the same thing. Like you said, if this keeps us, it will be the end of us.

    I think this post is a must-read for black America. Would you mind if i re-post this article on my website so that my subscribers can read it? I will give you the credit for it as the author.

  36. @ Truthovertradition

    Please do.

  37. Truth Over Tradition on said:

    Ok, i will. But whose name do i give credit to in the author profile? Can you email me at Madu (at) TruthOverTradition (dot) com.

  38. Truth Over Tradition on said:

    @diaryofanegress Hey sista. What is the name that you would like me to give credit to for your article?

  39. I think weak people will perpetually see themselves as the victim. In the context of this post, I think it´s disingenuous to assume that these females always have had some sort of “loyalty” towards black males. I think them staying within the community came more as a result of them not being viewed as viable partners by non-black men (and it will always continue to be that way, as no asian/white/arab or what have you will be able to create & sustain a hegemony with women who aren´t from their tribe to begin with) .

    It´s basically the same as with black males who jumped the fence, they never intended to stay in the first place. So in a way, this is actually good, because the weak weed themselves out of the equation without intelligent black folks having to lift a finger.

    Anyone who subscribe to the notion of “happiness” & “love” are doomed from the get-go. It is a western paradigm which has led to divorce rates close to 50% in later years, clearly “love & happiness” isn´t cutting it, even for them, so for someone coming from a different culture, the problems are going to be even bigger, unless the person coming from the lower socio-economic strata is willing to sacrifice some of their culture & tradition in order to make it work, which of course means that they will practically give up on their blackness, and thus make the whole argument moot, as they do not propagate blackness to begin with.

    All I see is excuses from both sides. Excuses are for losers, and that´s exactly why they sign up for their own destruction out of their own free will. This is obviously not so much a concern for continental Africans due to the obvious disparity in numbers (foreigners are outnumbers several million times to one. If you combine the numbers of the Hausa, Igbo & Yoruba people in west Africa for example, you´ll end up with a population that´s easily 3 times as large as American-Africans). For diasporan Africans, especially in countries where they are a numerical minority, they sooner or later have to decide whether or not they want to exist, because their blackness is erased in 1 generation (mulattoes are not black) , and if they choose the path of extinction, they should never talk about issues pertaining to black people ever again, regardless of their sex.

  40. phoebeprunelle on said:

    “I think them staying within the community came more as a result of them not being viewed as viable partners by non-black men (and it will always continue to be that way, as no asian/white/arab or what have you will be able to create & sustain a hegemony with women who aren´t from their tribe to begin with) .”

    I think it’s safe to say that the collective of black men in the western world are the ones who mainly view black women as non viable options. The problem is that many black men can’t seem to stop projecting their own disdain of black women on to the world, therefore, entire generations of black women have endured abuse, both physical and psychological and ultimately been murdered at the hands of her own group of men that seem to want her to believe that no other race of men can or will hold her life in esteem, because she has in turn internalized these lies that only serve black men.

    However, it is ALWAYS the “African-centered” or “black revolutionary” men that would rather see black women in relationships and situations that require them to struggle, that lack resources and any sense of reciprocity than to see her in healthy relationships with men who are non black. But you wuv black women so much though.

  41. angelaroselle on said:

    Look at the situation in China, men are experiencing a shortage of women in their country so they look to other countries for wives. I believe such a precarious situation may happen to African American men in another generation or so if they don’t stop devaluing and degrading the women in their culture. Even the non Black women that deal with these men are getting tired of them as well. A lot of them are left abandoned with a child to raise alone. With the paradigm shift of more African American women dating and marrying men outside of their race, I think the African American man will be alone for much of the future. And I don’t feel sorry for the African American male collective one bit. They brought it on themselves.

  42. angelaroselle on said:

    “I think them staying within the community came more as a result of them not being viewed as viable partners by non-black men (and it will always continue to be that way, as no asian/white/arab or what have you will be able to create & sustain a hegemony with women who aren´t from their tribe to begin with) .”

    Another gaslighting tactic that is always being used on African American women to keep them in Black community. These men can’t stand to see their meal ticket leave so they do whatever they can to keep these women in. Contrary to what this comment implies, there are some White men(especially European and foreign), Hispanic, Asian and Arab men that don’t mind dating or marrying a Black woman. Some of these non Black men have expressed that when they show interest in Black women, the Black woman would recoil and express only wanting to date and marry Black men. Or they listen to the dribble comments like the one I am addressing that non Black men don’t want Black women. Fortunately, that is changing as more women are hip to the game, and are exercising their dating options.

    If she ends up in a happy relationship with a Black man, good for her. If she finds more fulfillment outside of her race, good for her. At this point, I think it would do African American women good if more expanded their dating options to find a mate instead of this one sided dynamic that I see expressed in the Black community.

  43. witchsistah on said:

    I’m late to this convo, but I can attest that Black women are leaving. When my husband and I were dating in our Midwestern city, we would be the only BW/WM couple around. Now, we’re seeing BW/WM couples and FAMILIES all the time!

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