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diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Do Black Women Regret Motherhood?

{Copied from Isabella Dutton’s story on yahoo.}

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“My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.

Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken.

I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.

I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

Regrets: Isabella says she has always wished she never gave had Stuart (left) Jo (right), pictured here in 1986Regrets: Isabella says she has always wished she never had Stuart (left) Jo (right), pictured here in 1986. But although she had always wanted to remain childless, she approached motherhood with diligence and devotion

I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues.

Quite simply, I had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled.

I remember asking myself, ‘Is he really mine?’ He could, quite literally, have been anyone’s baby. Had a kind stranger offered to adopt him at that moment, I would not have objected.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

Two years and four months after Stuart was born, I had my daughter Jo. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one.

Isabella Dutton would have been happier not having childrenIsabella Dutton would have been happier not having children

I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but I knew I would care for Jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I’d grown to love him.

Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return.

Whenever I’ve told friends I wished I’d never had them, they’ve gasped with shock. ‘You can’t mean that?’ But, of course, I do.

To some, my life before I had the children may have seemed humdrum and my job as a typist was, it’s true, not much of a career. So what was the great sacrifice, you might think?

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn’t there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I’ve never got that peace back.

I don’t know why I feel as I do. I’m one of five siblings and was raised in a happy family by loving parents. Dad was in the Army; Mum, whom he met while posted in Germany, brought us up in the West Midlands.

Mum and I were close; even as an adult I could always confide in her. My childhood was very happy and conventional. Like most little girls I played with dolls. But I never recall a time when I wanted those make-believe games of motherhood to become a reality.

I know there are millions who will consider me heinously cold-blooded and unnatural, but I believe there will also be those who secretly feel the same.

It’s just that I have been honest – some may contend brutally so – and admitted to my true feelings. In doing so I have broken a supposedly inviolable law of nature. What kind of mother, after all, wishes she hadn’t had children?

I have never hidden the truth from my husband Tony, now 62.

Resentment: Isabella says her son Stuart was five days old when she realised having a child had been the biggest mistake of her life. 'I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn't give back,' she saysResentment: Stuart was five days old when Isabella realised having a child had been the biggest mistake of her life. ‘I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back’

From the moment we decided we would be spending the rest of our lives together, I confessed I didn’t want to start a family.

We were childhood sweethearts.  We met when I was 12 and he was 16; he was my first and only love. I was 19 when I walked up the aisle, a joyful bride anticipating a happy life with the man I adored.

But I knew even then children would be a sticking point. Tony wanted four. I didn’t want any. We’d discussed the subject and I believe he thought I’d change my mind.

I suppose he imagined, as my friends started having babies, the urge to become a mum would overwhelm me. I hoped he’d change his mind.

‘I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back’

When we married, we bought the three-bedroom house in Coventry that remains our home today. Tony pursued his passion for sports; my interests were more insular. I loved knitting, dressmaking and reading, and joined a book club.

Tony worked then, as he still does, as a pattern maker in the car industry. I was a typist in an office for a telecoms company.

After a couple of years of marriage, Tony began to ask whether I was still adamant that I didn’t want children. In the end I relented because I loved him and felt it would be unfair of me to deny him the chance to be a dad.

But there were provisos: if I was going to have children I knew absolutely – illogical as it may seem in view of my feelings – that I intended to raise them myself without any help from nannies or childminders.

This wasn’t a way of assuaging my guilt, because I felt none. It was simply that, having brought them into the world, I would do my best for them.

I cannot understand mothers who insist they want children – especially those who undergo years of fertility treatment – then race back to work at the earliest opportunity after giving birth, leaving the vital job of caring for them to strangers.

Isabella holds Baby Jo and son Stuart in 1981 at ChristmasIsabella holds Baby Jo and son Stuart in 1981 at Christmas

Why have them at all if you don’t want to bring them up, or can’t afford to? And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them? This hypocrisy is, in my view, far more pernicious and difficult to fathom than my own admission that my life would have been better without children.

And here, perhaps, is the nub of it: I would not take on the job of motherhood and do it half-heartedly. Unlike so many would-be mums I thought hard about the responsibilities of my role, and, I believe, if more women did before rushing heedlessly into it, they might share my reservations.

I was acutely aware that a child would usurp my independence and drain my finances. I felt no excitement as my due date approached. I had no compulsion to fill the nursery with toys, nor did I read parenting manuals or swap tips with friends. I focused on enjoying the last months of my freedom.

Tony and I had a strong marriage – after 37 years, we still do – and I did not dread the effect of the baby on our relationship. Sure enough, we maintained an active and fulfilling sex life and made a date night each Friday when Tony’s parents babysat.

However, I did dread the encroachment of this demanding little being on my own independence.
So, in May 1979, Stuart was born, blue in the face as the cord was wrapped round his neck. While other mothers would be frantic with worry, I remained calm when the doctor whisked him away. I sent Tony back to work and for the next four hours I waited without any apprehension.

'There is no doubt I grew to love Stuart very much, and indeed still do. But I wished I had never had him'‘There is no doubt I grew to love Stuart very much, and indeed still do. But I wished I had never had him’

I did not really think about Stuart at all, until Tony returned after work and asked where he was.
He was fine, of course, but when they wheeled him back into the ward I did not experience that sudden leap of the heart that new mums are expected to feel. Instead I sat down with a cup of tea and thought bleakly, ‘What have I done?’

Back home, I resolved to breastfeed. I knew it would be best for Stuart and I think every mother should do it. But even during this intimate act, that elusive bond failed to form.

Stuart fed voraciously, every two hours. He seemed almost permanently attached to me, but the proximity of this suckling infant did not make me feel maternal.

I never wanted to hurt Stuart – I only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still do. But I always wished I had never had him.

I told Tony, but if he was concerned, he didn’t show it. He just said, ‘Well we have him now. There’s nothing we can do about it. You just have to get on with it as best you can.’

And that’s exactly what I did. I believe I was a good mum, but never a doting one. When Stuart was three weeks old, I pushed him in his pram to the shops for the first time with our red setter Amber in tow. Outside the baker’s I tethered the dog to the pram and left Stuart outside with Amber while I bought a loaf and cakes.

‘Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own’

It was not until I got home, made myself a cup of tea and started eating my cake, that I realised something was amiss. My dog wasn’t there waiting for her usual titbit.

So the first thought that impinged on me was: where is Amber? I missed the dog before it even occurred to me that I’d left Stuart outside the shop.

I can’t say, even then, that I was worried. I just rang the baker to check Stuart and the dog were still outside, retrieved them and came home.

At the baby clinic, other mums compared their babies’ weight and boasted about milestones they’d reached, but I was not remotely interested in such inconsequential matters, so I only went to the clinic once. When people peered into Stuart’s pram to coo over him and tell me what a lovely little chap he was, I thought, ‘That’s not true.’ He was not a beautiful baby.

Meanwhile, Tony discharged his duties as a dad brilliantly. He helped with the nappies, bathed Stuart, and when we were out, it was Daddy he went to for comfort if he fell.

Then, when Stuart was 18 months, we planned the second baby I’d promised to have. But I felt no more thrilled by the prospect of becoming a mum again than I did first time around. When Jo was born in August 1981, I remember how joyously Tony and his family greeted the news that I’d had a little girl.

I did not share their jubilation. But there was nothing for it but to get on with the job of bringing her up.

I did this diligently, but it was Tony who was the effusive and demonstrative Dad.

'I am a conscientious parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been'‘I am a conscientious parent – yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been’

He loved the children to distraction, and as soon as they were old enough, he took them to the sports club where Stuart became an accomplished footballer. Jo tagged along too and it became something of a joke that she even asked her dad to take her when she wanted to go to the loo.

We created a routine where I ran the home, and when Tony was off work he looked after the kids. And I jealously guarded my time free of the children.

On our summer holidays, Tony and I had our rigidly defined roles. I did not look after the children when he was around. So as they played football, sat glued to the Grand Prix or watched the golf, I would creep back to our chalet and immerse myself in a good book. Other mums were running around like headless chickens after their children, but in our household Tony took that role.

We shared many happy times together; I did everything a good mother is supposed to. We had bucket-and-spade holidays on the Isle of Wight; there were endless sports events in which the children shone. I’m sure they would agree that they always felt secure and loved.

It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.

I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree.

I don’t believe either that Stuart or Jo sensed any coolness on my part, although Jo once said, ‘You never tell me you love me, Mum.’ And I didn’t, it’s true. But I reassured Jo that I did love her. She and Stuart just accepted that I wasn’t demonstrative.

They grew, too, into well-adjusted adults. Stuart, 33, works in telecoms engineering as a supervisor.

He is married to Lisa, 37, a bank supervisor, and they have two lovely children. But before Stuart announced that he was to become a dad, he asked me if I’d like to become a granny. And I told him quite emphatically that I wouldn’t: I didn’t want my new-found freedom to be usurped by years of babysitting.

My controversial views didn’t shock him. He has always known I am forthright; he knows, too, having got my two grandchildren, I would knuckle down to my grandmotherly duties and acquit myself well.

Jo, 31, shares my opinion about motherhood: she has never wanted children; perhaps my views have shaped hers.

It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.

I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.

Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it.

And that, maybe, is the paradox….”

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2303588/The-mother-says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html#ixzz2QBku1S2N

Black Family,

This story resonates with me. An ex-coworker, a black woman, told me pretty much the same thing. She gave up her career, which she LOVED, she lost her sex drive, she lost friends who “couldn’t understand” that she was too tired to hang out and perhaps most disheartening, her husband left the primary responsibility of child rearing on her.

“I feel like a single mom”, were her exact words.

Do you think black women are experiencing the same things? Regret over marriage and having children? Do you believe that’s why so many black females are single? Refusal to “settle”?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this provocative topic.

Black men, please chime in. I’d love your perspective.

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42 thoughts on “Do Black Women Regret Motherhood?

  1. I’m single but i do see other people in relationships around me including my parents.I saw my mom be the back bone when my brother had seizures and almost died.My brother would have violent outbursts and say nasty things and punch things.My mom had to deal with a lot,while my dad went to work because he couldn’t deal with it.Men deal with stress differently,they avoid,deny,and become workaholics.I heard my mom talking about divorce and would sometimes take her ring off because she felt alone.She means everything to me and i admire her and my grandmother who also had a hard life.One thing i learned is we as black women have to deal with a lot on our own and are expected to stay strong and smile.I sometimes saw my mom break down and have lost sleep over it.I still feel some resentment toward my dad at times because he wasn’t there when i needed him.He would go to work to avoid dealing with a son with mental illness and then sit there and judge the way my mom and I handled the situation.I’m healing,growing,and learning now.My mom doesn’t regret having us she loves us.

  2. honeytreebee on said:

    It is the strain of living a western life style where there is only the mother taking care of the child and not the whole family that makes it hard. Also not wanting children at all is something I see more of in white women like the one above. Most other women love children, but it is the work of raising them that is detering. As for waiting for the right man to have children with that is a must if, you don’t want to go insane.

    It is hard work having children and then raising them by yourself… we were never ment to do that.

  3. larissa on said:

    I imagine it’s one of many reasons. Prefering to remain single and childless rather than having to raise the baby by yourself. I think this can be applied to white women too. Indeed, to any race of woman. Not all men can be put in the same box, but my experience has been that most of the time the black woman ends up doing most, if not all of the child rearing, not to mention also finding the money with which to provide for the child.

  4. Mickey on said:

    Ditto. Only once I stated that I did not want to have children and the reason was because I did not want to bring innocent children into this cruel, utterly fucked up world. But deep down inside, I knew that I wanted kids. My main concern was having children with a man that I KNEW wanted children and would not want to be away from them, even if we divorced. That is very important.

  5. Interesting and thought-provoking post!

    Just recently, First Lady Michelle Obama had a slip of the tongue and called herself a “single mother” (!)

    which said to me that the brunt of child-rearing falls on her shoulders –and from my experience that is the norm regardless of the income or occupation of the fathers.

    There is a TON of pressure on women to have children, as though being childless means the woman is NOT a real woman, or is defective, undesirable, or mentally ill.

    I think most women are afraid to have an honest discussion about motherhood or afraid to admit they never wanted children because of the perception about women

    but from looking at what happens to children who have reluctant and/or abusive parents,

    I am totally in favor of people who don’t want children NOT having children!

  6. Mickey on said:

    Granted, I believe that some women (and men) should not have children if they will be potentially abusive to said child(ren). It really makes the child(ren) wonder if they are even loved.

    As far as child rearing goes, the mother is the first teacher of the child, however, child rearing should be shared equally by the parents to maintain balance. Both parents need to be on the same page in order to raise a healthy child.

  7. larissa on said:

    Ditto. Only once I stated that I did not want to have children and the reason was because I did not want to bring innocent children into this cruel, utterly fucked up world. But deep down inside, I knew that I wanted kids. .

    This resonated with me. I’ve considered not having kids because I know that no matter what ethnicity the dad is, they will be considered black and I don’t know want to bring them into a world which depends on their subjugation.

    My main concern was having children with a man that I KNEW wanted children and would not want to be away from them, even if we divorced. That is very important

    I agree. I think it is important to asess the character of a man before you decide to procreate with him. He should be principled enough to stay in the kid’s life, even if he decides to be with another woman and have other kids with her.

  8. larissa on said:

    Trojan Pam said:

    Just recently, First Lady Michelle Obama had a slip of the tongue and called herself a “single mother” (!)

    She said this in public?! How un PC!

    There is a TON of pressure on women to have children, as though being childless means the woman is NOT a real woman, or is defective, undesirable, or mentally ill.

    I agree it’s like having kids defines a woman.

    but from looking at what happens to children who have reluctant and/or abusive parents, I am totally in favor of people who don’t want children NOT having children!

    I totally agree with this. I think that instead of bringing a child into this world (who never even asked to be born) to neglect and abuse them, it’s better to not have them. In fact, it is because of this that I became pro abortion. I’ll
    choose it every time over birthing a child I cannot take care of.

  9. @ larissa

    She said it by accident, I believe, but just the fact that she said it speaks volumes about the way she feels about her parenting VS her husband’s

  10. she said she is a single mom? wow.Was this before or after those people said she was a baby momma?i tell ya they use anything you say against you.
    She probably does feel like a single parent,usually the spouses of the miltary and presidents have to deal with the” little”things whiel their spouse is away doing so called big things.It’s little to the other spouse but it is indeed a great responsiblity.Men rule the world but its us women who work behind the scenes so they can focus on running things.Women get little respect for it until they step into our shoes.Just leave a man with the kids for half a day and see how tired and grateful they are when their woman comes home.

  11. This video covers every particular point that could be addressed for black parenting. If we aren’t wanting children or aren’t wanting family it’s because we’ve been programmed by this sick society.

    I don’t want kids right now, but I know that’s something that’s been burned into my head by this culture – to want to focus on me, focus on my ego, focus on my education and career. So that’s one more thing I have to set right.

    Our work never ends.

  12. 25:17 in the video hits on why whites don’t love their children.

  13. I do aspire to be a mother someday. I want to raise good children and leave a legacy behind. However, I do fear the struggles they’ll go through in this wicked world.

  14. Matari on said:

    I’ve said this before, and it’s worth repeating… in many ways I believe we were better off as a people when many or most of us lived in homes (or on the same block, or the same neighborhood) that encompassed grandparents, parents, children, great-uncles, aunts, cousins, in-laws, etc.

    We were INTERDEPENDENT.

    AND – we used to make sacrifices for FAMILY – so the next generation could stand on the shoulders of the prior generation and gain that which made us more financially prosperous.

    We succeeded. More of us have reached so-called middle class status (in spite of racism/white supremacy) but at what cost?

    I’m not witnessing a lot of folks making personal sacrifices for others, especially their own children. We’re now putting our old and infirmed in nursing homes, managed care facilities and hospices – those places where some folks go to die. We’ve become more selfish and seemingly more dysfunctional!

    This self first, me, me, me nonsense is precisely (just a bit of an example of) what happens when we adopt a european western culture/VALUE system that is not our own! This is not who and what we naturally are. Trying to be who we are not only confuses and hurts us – and our children.

  15. larissa on said:

    @Matari
    Your words echo thoughts I’ve had for a while now: black dysnfunction is a result of the fact that we are living in a system which is not truly ours. Hence the fact that we are not able to function properly.

  16. Yes, most people throughout the world valued the influence and input of the extended family. But RWS came along with the “nuclear family” model.

  17. That is very true.but some of us can’t live in the neighborhood we grew up in because it went down.It takes a village to raise children that’s for sure.I don’t understand putting parents in nursing homes either,because if they are in their right mind they can look after the kids when you go to work and not have to hire a babysitter or something.THen you can look after them and not worry about if someone is abusing your kids or your parent.
    A lot of people aren’t down with that,but i think it is the best thing.Then if you have a problem you can just go to your parents/grandparents and they can help.You don’t have to worry about being too far away and getting the money to see each other.I am close to my grandmother on my moms side because I see her often,but my dads side i rarely see.They died and i didn’t have a relationship with them.Kids definetly need to see their grandparents and they can give good advice for parenting since they’ve been there.

  18. @ mstoogood4yall

    I feel soooo isolated from my extended family, and didn’t have a close-knit nuclear family either. Plus I’m an only child.

    I fear what’s gonna happen if my parents die before me. I feel no connection to anyone I’m related too, really. It’s a shame, but that’s all I know.

  19. Pingback: Do Black Women Regret Motherhood? | Kemetix | Afrikan liberation information

  20. Not to sound harsh,but i don’t think there’s much benefit for women having kids,maybe that is why some feel that way. Think about it,when people have kids its the man who gets to pass on his last name and genes.While we are ones who mostly raise them and spend time with them.Don’t get me wrong kids are a gift and make you laugh,but they also require a lot of time,energy,and money.

  21. mstoogood4yall on said:

    @ ms j

    That is tough,i don’t know what imma do when i lose my parents.I’m not gonna lie I sometimes don’t call and talk to my extended family as much as i could.I do have siblings and they are a gift and a curse lol,.They are very protective of me and I cook for them in return.Being an only child i bet is hard.But sometimes family isn’t all about who you’re related to sometimes family can be anyone who looks after you or cares about you.

  22. Ms. J on said:

    @ mstoogood4yall

    You’re right. I find that sometimes it’s people who aren’t biologically family treat me better than my blood family.

  23. mstoogood4yall on said:

    that’s great!!The best thing about that is if you win the lottery you don’t have to worry about them saying ,Hey im your relative i’m having a hard time right now with this economy can you break me off with somethin,You have to help me because we family.

  24. Umoja on said:

    Children are not valued or welcomed in the Black community. It’s a rarity. Family, marriage, what’s that. Family, community, the bond and love between the Black man and woman, love for children…their children, marriage, mutual trust, honor, respect…..all dam near destroyed. We’re hanging by a string. What the savage beast consistently designed against us most certainly has and continues to succeed tremendously. It is not drugs, crime, murder, ect that are the biggest problems we have…it’s the bond between the Black man and Black woman. We have got to separate from these beast for good….and realize the truth….all their influence and culture is never to be trusted or applied in our lives. We must remain diligent or continue to be absorbed….prey.

  25. larissa on said:

    @umoja that’s true the family is the foundation of everything and the man and the woman are the foundation of the family. so if the bond between man and woman is dam near destroyed, then no wonder things are the way they are

  26. Sugarkiss on said:

    @Matari,

    Absolutely on Point!!! Every living thing is connected! We are hard wired to seek out others in a community setting. No living creature fuctions independently. “Self” is an illusion exacerbated when this society turns the value system on its ear. You go from valuing family to accumulation of money and “things.” People live on farms, in huts. They are nomads, they travel thier whole lives and don’t have a bank account or check to showe for it.

    The western way is a joke, it is not self sustaining because many of the mechanisms that make if “work” have nothing to do with hard work, community or being in tune with Mother Nature. We are taught to scramble around, kissing ass and “selling out” for what??

    Most honest, spiriutally in tuned folk will you the that sacrifice isn’t children, it is not getting caught up in the disctractions of what “societal gains” has to offer.

    What are our young children sacrificing for ” a chance” at some paper money?
    Family.
    Higher Education.
    Social and community interactions through networking and investment.
    The folk with money ( in America) don’t even give back or encourage others to…

    It’s Dysfuctional indeed.

  27. Umoja on said:

    This is what we MUST return to. Watch how the lion and lioness work TOGETHER against their natural enemy……some bad-asses!!

  28. Umoja on said:

    This one…..(above was a mistake but some goodies also)…I’ll try again…It’s the lion helping his lioness….

  29. Umoja on said:

    Can you all see the video above with the lions?? I can’t…

  30. Umoja on said:

    Never mind, If I click “full screen” I can see….it’s awesome!!!

  31. Umoja on said:

    This video is TRUTH all day long, and should be heard in it’s entirety!! My conclusion and the only answer to the world’s problems….ALL Europeans MUST die, their ancestors, descendants, off springs and those who lay with them….total extinction….no leniency, no exceptions….enough with the BS….these are not people, the white elite knows this, it is we who do not!!

  32. Umoja on said:

    @Larrisa….
    EXACTLY……The bond between the Black male and Black female; there NATURAL partners IS THE FOUNDATION. That includes possessing an AFRICAN mind; ONE mind. Without these attributes….easy prey. It’s becomes a domino affect. We’re all witness to it….total European f*ckery.

  33. Tyrone on said:

    So many sistas have been stabbed in the back by blackmen, i can see why some sistas would regret or not want kids in general. If brothas are not gonna be providers, Why Bother? This scenario is toxic for blackmen. Growing up, i witnessed many a sista in the hood slapping their sons, calling them the n-word, etc. The father cut loose, so, the son is gonna be a pinata for the mother. Motherhood should be a joyous time for sistas, but, that’s not the case universally.

  34. honeytreebee on said:

    @Tyrone
    Hey there nice to see you back. Yeah the strain of raising a child alone can be too much for some. Even when you really want children it may be in your best intrest to wait. This is why mate selection is so important and also, why this thinking that men are not important or care givers need to change.

  35. My mother used to beat the shit out of us, and I know this frame of thought was part of the reason, even if she doesn’t know. A parent having a child that they don’t want or isn’t prepared for is usually worst on the child then the parent. At least this lady is honest and will open the door for a lot of other women to express the same sentiment and hopefully avoid unwanted births that will lead to child abuse.

  36. Agree 100% – the same goes for black fathers. The stuff that my dad did – I can’t even talk about it, but I completely understand why. When you can’t live the life you desire your energy ends up being displaced on the easiest available target.

  37. Tyrone on said:

    @honeytreebee

    It’s a pleasure hearing from you again as well. Yeah, i was awol for a minute, back to basics. As black people, we’ve heard all the statistics about black motherhood, unwed births, abortions, etc. The one group that’s consistently left out of the convo is black fathers. Motherhood is set in stone, fatherhood is not guaranteed. Men have the ability to flee the scene, women don’t have that luxury…this is the crux of the problem. Blackwomen must do a better job of choosing blackmen who are father-material. Sadly, a lot of sistas are still slaves to the external, what a blackman looks like, his material items, his rap game, etc. Honestly, none of that ish matters at the end of the day. Brothas, it’s not the 1970s anymore, move on? For women, decoding the hearts of men is hard. Men can fool women, as we all know. Our race is stuck in neutral right now, because, blackmen have not reached racial maturity. Blackwomen have no problem birthing our future, but, they don’t wanna raise the children by themselves anymore. They’re justified in feeling as such. All of the crap that’s going on, strong blackmen need to be in the home. At some point, black male pride has to show itself. I appreciate the love and sacrifice of sistas that have done it on their own, despite the bs of some blackmen, uncle sam, white folks, etc. My mother birthed me at a very young age, and it took her off course. As a toddler, i was closer to my father. I never understood why my mother was distant from me until i became older. My mother and i have a better relationship today, but it’s still a work in progress. The lioness can do all things, but, she still needs the lion’s love and protection…Nature!

    Ty

  38. Pingback: Do Black Women Regret Motherhood? | Kemetix

  39. I am almost 18 years old and I don’t plan on having kids. This White AmeriKKKlan woman shouldn’t have had kids if she didn’t want them!
    I don’t want to struggle and be a single mother like my mother was and I just don’t like children. I see many girls Black and White in my town having sex and getting pregnant at my age and I am like, wtf? I don’t want to get pregnant because I plan on being an author one day that is famous and makes money.

  40. I came across your post while searching “black community biggest regrets.” Regrets about motherhood have nothing to do with skin color. Any race could have the feelings you have. I’m a Black woman, raised predominately by my Black mother. My mother never wanted to have children. She’s told me many times that she didn’t realize children came with marriage. It was only after years of pressure that she finally agreed to get pregnant, which resulted in me. My brother was a oops. 🙂 Despite never wanting to have children, my mother was the best mother on the planet.

    I also didn’t want to have children. I had my own oops moment when I was in high school. When I had my daughter, I felt I had learned to love for the first time. I loved her so much, I wanted to be a mother again and had her sister about 4 years later. I remarried about a decade ago, and my husband wanted to have biological children. My youngest at the time was 9. I wasn’t hip on having another child. I was home free with a 9 year and a 13 year old, but I consented.

    We started trying right after we got married. The day the home pregnancy test showed positive (two months later), I wanted to cry. What had I done? Why didn’t I stand with my convictions? Now I’m starting all over again. The pregnancy was awful. The labor was awful. I was back to dealing with smelly diapers and sore nipples.

    The girls are out of the house and living their adult lives. My little boy is still in elementary school. I love him. He was planned, but not exactly a welcome addition. It’s summer and he’s visiting his grandparents in another state, and I miss him.

    As a mother, I’ve missed out on few experiences. I joined the military straight out of high school. My mother took custody of my daughter in order for me to have that opportunity. I have a bachelors degree and a masters degree. I’ve spent wonderful years as a stay-at-home mom. I’ve written books. I’ve traveled the country and even out of the country a few times. I’ve worked in rewarding careers and some not so much. 🙂 Recently I’ve started my own business and I’m embracing the learning experience. In today’s age, being a mother doesn’t mean you can’t have it all. The journey may not be easy, but set your sights high and see what happens.

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