Advertisements

diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Dear Diary #3

I read the bible off and on and I must admit, I rather enjoy it. Whether or not you believe in the Most High, it is truly the Greatest Story Ever Told. I grew up in a household where spirituality is apart of life. I am also my Grandmother’s Soul. So when I meet certain people who give off a certain “vibe” and the hairs on the back of neck begin to tingle, I always know to follow my instincts.

X is an older 50-ish white woman at my job. Married to a well-off former salesman, she lives in the “nice” part of town, drives a Corvette and can retire early if she chooses. From the moment I met her on my interview, I knew there was something about her that I didn’t like.

X, like most whites I’ve met, is terrified of me. I picked up on her aura while she, just she, bombarded me with questions on my schooling, grades and level of education on my first day of work. She looked at my resume unbeknowst to me and questioned its validity. As I quietly watched her, I grew more and more sure of my initial assessment of her and wondered when the bomb would drop.

One day, while I was at another campus, X took a phone call from a psychiatric patient who made a series of unfounded complaints about my conduct. She immediately took her long-awaited opportunity to malign me and took the complaint to the director of the department. I knew from the jovial way she greeted me the next morning that something was awry but I had no idea it was a company write-up.

Frustrated, I asked my supervisor why the word of an unstable man was being taken over a loyal employee. I never did get that answer.

As I walked to the hospital’s tiny chapel to ask God why, I was reminded of my family’s explanation that demons walk the Earth in human form. I walked back to my department with a heavy heart needing some explanation for this never-ending curse on humanity when I spotted X looking at me. The corners of her thin, brightly-coloured lipsticked lips were curled maliciously into a “C” and her eyes gleamed. It was then that I realized my torture and terror was her heaven on Earth. The Spirit of my grandma whispered into my ear, “Demon.”

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

51 thoughts on “Dear Diary #3

  1. Wow. Remember fairly recently when I told you about one of my managers who would make a big deal about my bangs of all things? Well, she was the bane of my existance at that particular job. She would target certain individuals and I was definitely in her target range. She would do little things like not want me to work the cash register because of a few mistakes I made that were minor in nature, yet would not ban others from it when they made much more serious mistakes. She would not want to give me my paycheck. She tried to take partial credit for stopping a would-be thief that I single-handedly prevented from stealing from us. And if I spoke up about her rude behavior, whe would go to the general manager to complain about me, which caused my hours to be reduced. At one point, I was working one day a week for six weeks straight (and this was a part-time job) and my bills were piling up. I figured that she was acting this way because she wanted me to either quit or be fired due to “insubordination”. I also observed her treatment of others and she treated them well, or, at least, better than me.

    She was also known for making racist comments about POC, particularly Blacks & Latinos. She once made a “watermelon & tap-dancing” comment in reference to Blacks. She was what I call a “Segregation Baby”. I call any White person born before integration was put into place a Segregation Baby because we all know what mentality they have when it comes to Colored folks. She was also from North Carolina.

    Another time, our store was in the middle of hiring more employees, so those of us still around were given many more hours than normal. We were not busy in the store, so she went around asking if anyone could work certain shifts. She would usually go from person-to-person in the order she encountered us on the floor. Once I received a certain number of hours to work, I noticed that she purposely surpassed me to give hours to others. God must’ve been smiling on me because after she had asked ALL of the associates if they would work certain shifts, they said they could not due to other issues. As a result, she had no choice but to come to me. I know that she did not want me to have the extra hours (read: money), but the joke was on her.

    I was a naive college student that did not know what tactics managers used to get rid of people they did not like. Long story short, after all of the drama, you would think that she would have left me alone. She sabatoged me out of my job, prevented me from coming back, AND, to add insult to injury, prevented me from getting another job clear across the state near my university. My only mistake was that I did not pray about it. I just dealt with it. Thankfully, I have not run across anyone like her since, but it taught me a lot and I use this situation as a learning experience for the future.

  2. mornin sis ….
    of course as soon as you push back u turn into the angry black woman….i say document document document…if u r a good actor kill the B w/kindness if not a few cool sly imma run ur head through the paper shredder looks might scare her off but i think that would just stoke her sick fire and that is what she is looking for a good ol office showdown…i heard a lawyer speak on the c o w s radio show and he said never ever mention race…check out The C.O.W.S. w/ Edward L. Williams, Jr. Part V
    Episode Notes: Edward L. Williams, Jr. returns to The Context of White Supremacy. Mr. Williams is the founder and chief operator of the http://counter-racism.com – a work-study, forum, and hub of counter-racist definitions, literature, and science projects. Mr. Williams is also the author of How To Support and Defend The United States Constitution: For victims of racism (white supremacy). Mr. Williams debut publication offers suggestions and insight on ways non-white people can neutralize unjust/Racist activity on the job. We encourage non-white listeners to call in with their own experiences, observations, and/or codified suggestions on how to remain employed, unscathed on the plantation.

    http://www.talkshoe.com/talkshoe/web/episodePop.jsp?episodeId=660207&cmd=epipop

  3. Mickey

    Yes, I remember your hair bangs story. These people just make for a miserable existence. They are a cancer in departments all across the world. What stuns me is how the people over them just gloss over their obvious racism.

  4. Thanks Ned. I listen to the cows at night. I’ll look for that one.

  5. I worked for the state of MD…and i had a supervisor who made my life a living hell i couldnt understand at the time i mean i was so in the dark on racism and i completely messed up that career opportunity i was calling in i was angry and would retreat inward which is not good when u r working for the motor vehicle admin…this homely pasty pale woman would literally come and stand behind me and pick me to do the very tasks i hated she would make sure it was her who counted my money at the end of the shift $Ks of dollars and 1penny off means write ups and i was even suspended w/out pay for being over/short on my transactions i was filled w/anxiety which equals poor concentration which for me was torture..everybody i would talk to would tell me to ignore it or act nice or shuck n jive but f that…i do not ignore what is obvious and i am not crazy….
    …..this is one example i went to the restroom one day and one of my coworkers was in there(ww)…so next thing i know im walking back 2 my desk and i see my coworker talking 2 this supervisor her name was sue(seriously) so ok whatever im about to sign back in we have lines out the door… but i see them walking towards my desk and the girl was saying “but i just had them”(her drawer/$bag keys) so sue stops by my desk and asks me did i see so-in-so’s keys i guess she saw us both go to the restroom…b4 i could respond of course the girl found her keys in the (supply room) but i was livid i mean i know why she asked me but to others it would seem innocent but i was pissed off beyond belief just because of sue’s constant evil malicious yet subtle harassment…. anyway i ended up resigning for personal reasons(her) and found out from my old coworkers that she was caught altering the close out totals and was immediately terminated this is unheard of for supervisors to do but i guess the ancestors and the universe heard my plea.

    i did go back to work at another office (after retesting n having to get on a wait list) but i felt so ashamed that i let this lady get to me so tuff…and the thing was everybody hated her and the other ladies talked bad to her laughed at her but it was me the “quiet” one who she set her sights on….that is why i know now how they sabotage and completely act in the typical racist ww nature which is almost always in competition with us… i am prepared i trust my instincts and i know that i will never make the mistake of thinking that caucasians are “people too” no they are a hybrid rabid unnatural sinister people …exactly like the picture u have on this post….history is all the evidence i need…

  6. Nedge

    I’ve heard so many stories similar to yours, I should write a book. Probably the worst thing is feeling powerless to help yourself and stop it from happening. So many times I’ve gone over in my head how I should’ve acted and reacted.

    That’s what tears me up inside.

  7. Oh, trust me. They know what’s going on. The problem is that they rarely do anything about it.

    I forgot to mention that after about a year or so after I started working there, I called a hotline that was posted where employees could call air their grievances that they felt they could not go to their superior with. I called that hotline and a few months later, we got a POC manager. I thought, “Hallelujah!” But it was short-lived because this woman was a White-looking Creole who identified as Black. Therefore, the Segregation Baby and the other two managers did not treat her well, either. One of my dark-skinned co-workers thought that the new manager was stupid to tell them that she was Black because she knew that the managers would turn on her. I believed that it was her prerogative if she told them. Unfortunately, their racism showed itself to her as well.

  8. Mickey

    I’ve heard and seen stories of black managers that crumbled under whiteness. We had a black doctor at one of my agency hospitals who was cried openly when he was berated in front of everyone on the nursing floors.

    You know, when the recording of Omar Thornton aired, I bawled openly because I understand how he felt…more than you know.

  9. Working for the man is tiring. Slowly but surely eats away at our spirit.

  10. @ Wilson
    May I ask, what is your ethnicity?

  11. You know, I used to think the Devil was some ugly-looking beast that wasn’t a human. But the older I get, the more I realize that the “Devil” we’re taught about is a mindset in people. Great post, Diary of a Negress.

  12. Thank you, Ms. J. I had to understand that also.

  13. I’ll give you some clues as to the country of my birth. It’s in the dark continent, it produces athletes that can run long distances, the current american president might or might not have a little bit of a connection with it.

  14. Oh yeah, you know when you’ve told me to listen to that spirit inside all of us. Well it’s telling me to ask you why you asked me my ethnicity and that it’s ok to answer honestly.

  15. Only because the things you say and the wording of it makes me gander you are foreign born. Either that or you are a white guy pretending to be black to “pick my brain.”

  16. Ron Thomas on said:

    Now that I am feeling MUCH better, I am back.
    For some people, that is decidedly NOT good news, but F&FFH.

    I believe that there is a such thing as evil. n all mt travels, I have seen plenty, confronted plenty, watched plenty, and even dealt with some, up close and personal. So I know it exists……..

    As to this…person you work with………..that ain’t no demon. Nothing metaphysical about a racist piece of filth masquerading as a person…..So here’s my 2 cents.

    I’m not a fan of trusting the organization’s HR Department on matters like these. Most of them will lie FOR management, and claim impartiality. So don’t expect a lot of help there. Document, document, document. Everything. And then, when SHE least expects it, get knee-deep in that a$$ with a complaint to the EEOC on this simple-minded heifer. Since she’s already afraid of you, teach her the meaning of “Respect your betters, and people smarter that you.”

    Those things are NOT fun, not fast, nor are they for the faint of heart. I know, because I have done it. Twice. And won both. I work for the Federal Government, am a retired veteran, and have absolutely no tolerance for racists, bigots, idiots, etc….., whatever their malfunction may be. I ca tell you from experience that there will be a LOT of people secretly glad you did it, but outwardly wanting to distance themselves from you. And if your supervisor needs to be included, put them in there as well. And once committed to WHATEVER you plan to do, STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not waffle, do not waver, and unless you plan to attack from another angle, do not withdraw. If it gets stupid, get a lawyer (did that 2).
    Amazing how fast the phrase “unlawful termination lawsuit” will cause people to get real quiet.

    At some point, you’re going to have to do it anyway, things going as they are. So gear up, collect your documentation, and when you feel the moment is right, drop-kick this lame b*tch in the face and watch that whole little veneer of thinking she’s a bully fold in on itself. And as we all know, when racists and bigots get confronted, they usually lose control of themselves and double-down on the stupid; thereby reinforcing your statements. Keep your cool, and don’t let em’ know your moves. That drives them crazy as well.

    I’m not sure what the internal policies of your organization are; nor am I advocating making any irreparable steps towards anything: Simply presenting a different set of options. I’m not the world’s most patient person when it comes to people like that, and my dealing with them are usually short and final.

  17. Foreign to?

  18. What things do i say that make you wonder?

  19. @ Truthbetold,

    You know, it has just dawned on me that you might be serious. So ok, I don’t know how I have come across and would highly appreciate you being brutally honest ignoring any notion of hurting my feelings and such (since I know, and I am not criticizing, you try to circumvent hurting other people’s feelings) – sometimes to grow you have to go through the pain. I am not white, nor american, as I said, I was born in Africa but I currently live in europe. I am not messing with your mind nor am I picking your brain. Ok, wait, maybe I like asking you for your opinion on a lot of stuff but that is just because I think you have a very interesting way of looking at things. In simple terms, I respect what you have to say.

    I hope I have fully answered any questions that maybe you didn’t even ask in full.

  20. @ Ron

    Glad you’re feeling better, friend.

    Thanks for the advice but my career is no longer my passion. Truthfully medicine isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I hate it. All of it. Especially how blacks are treated as patients and staff.

    I’ll be done with my homework soon enough. Once I’m finished, good bye ego-driven doctors and racist RN’s. Good bye running out of my house early in the am and coming home at 10:00pm. Good bye beeper and good bye gangrene, vomit and “mysterious” diseases!

  21. @ Wilson

    Hopefully, you are not offended. I just have a feeling from your writing and wording that you may not be from the States.

    As for your ethnicity, curiosity won out today. As for your alleged “whiteness”, a lot of white people pretend to be “one of us” just to gauge my responses and play with me.

    Thanks for thinking I have an interesting way of looking at stuff.

  22. mary burrell on said:

    Certain whites are threatened by smart black men and women who have it together.They have to question every thing when a person of color is equal to are better than them. Why do you think they are so pissed at the President and First Lady?.

  23. “Thanks for thinking I have an interesting way of looking at stuff.”

    *****

    Not many can see beyond the veil and into the shadows…. and still keep their sensitivity intact. I think the trick is knowing when/how to take breaks and respites from the harsh overwhelming realities we face in life.

    – and lean not unto your own understanding…

    – and Isiah 26:4

  24. mary burrell on said:

    Because they feel you are out of your place. And they question your credentials.

  25. mary burrell on said:

    One last thought before I retire for the evening. Consider Ephesians 6:12. It goes like this. “For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in the dark world. This sums up the evil system in this world called white supremacy. Give it some thought if you will.

  26. @diaryofanegress, I´d like to share a negative experience I went through recently, in order to know what you think about it, and find out whether you´ve ever experienced something similar. Recently I was sitting in the car, talking to my biracial stepmom about her past, and she was telling about that one time when she was offered a job in prostitution, and she turned it down. She then told me to say no if I was ever offered a job in prostitution. I was beyond shocked. Not long after this episode, I was talking to a black male friend who started complaining about hos who try to sleep with him just because of money (his words). I told him that it was disgusting and he replied ´´don´t say you´ll never do it.´´ I mentioned this to my stepmom and she said ´´ he said it because you´re black.´´ How does one explain this kind of sickness from people who claim they love you?

  27. Thanks Miss Mary and Matari for the kind words.

  28. @ Larissa

    Sorry for the racial elements in your home. I do not have contact with whites anymore for this reason. May I ask if you have a black relative to confide in and seek help?

  29. Unfortunately I do not. In fact, last month I reached breaking point and naively confided in my aunt, who immediately called my dad and stepmom, and told them lies about me. This put me off opening my heart to family members, because I´ve realized most of them are not trustworthy. My stepmom annoys me because her mother is black, so in this white supremacist system, she is black. Yesterday she was going on about how I should respect white people because the have invented everything we use today and they are smart. It´s frustrating because she is not a coworker or a friend, so I can´t decide to separate from her. At least not yet.

  30. In my humblest opine: White folk are afraid of Black people for a lot more than we can ever even know…..at this time. Notice how none that really know, will give you eye contact and if they do, it’ll be fleeting.

    Very good Sista.

  31. Sorry for all the trouble. That’s a hard situation to be in. when you are financially able, perhaps a bit of space is in order.

  32. For all that fear Jesus, they can’t seem to stay away from us.

  33. @diaryofanegress
    I think that discovering your blog a few days ago was the universe/God´s way of helping me get through this ordeal. Thanks for the support

  34. leigh204 on said:

    @ DOAN:

    Was this the personal story you posted on Abagond some time ago? I recall you mentioned this. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this crap. She sounds like an evil, miserable POS. A demon is right.

  35. @ Larissa

    Thank you. I wish I had more advise to give to you but family matters are deeply complicated and you need money to make a fresh start.

  36. @ Leigh

    Yes…I have a ton of these stories. I am the only black female in most of my agency hospitals. Whites have become quite predictable.

  37. I’m sorry to hear this sis. I know it can be very frustrating dealing with this day in and out. I think we all get tired of these BS from these “people”. I think this is the best way to deal with these demons. It always brings a smile to my face.lol

  38. Uhhhhh…Prince? Please don’t put ideas in my head. I sometimes walk a fine line.

  39. LOL!! Oops! My bad!lol

  40. It’s ok. When the voices take over, I duck into the restroom and list reasons why I’ts not worth it.

  41. Yeah that’s a good move. It’s really not worth it. I’m not a violent man. Although it’s nice to fantasize every once in awhile.lol

  42. Oh man. I don’t know what to say. I know how you feel in a way.

    There was this white boy that went to school with me since the 8th grade until he moved (thank goodness) to another state. That kid treated me like crap because I was a nice guy. Looking back, I wondered if I was bad, would he have treated me any different or would he consider me as part of the norm in regards to black males.

    What’s worse is that the white dudes who were once my friends growing up, have sided with him when it comes to picking on me.

    I know at my job, my white female co-workers are nervous around me because I’m a big and tall black man and we live in a small conservative town. I know of two right off the bat.

    White folks are crazy.

  43. I am not from the states.

  44. and no I am not offended. If your mind is still bothering you further regarding this, just feel free to ask away.

  45. Negress

    A lot of whites on this planet don’t believe in the concept of “Karma.” If you treat others with disdain, the same will happen to you. Whites are losing their grip on power, they should be more humble in their interaction with those they enslaved…Common Sense! Even a child can understand this reality. Without money and clout, white folk are miserable.

    Tyrone

  46. I do believe demons exist in the form of human, and one of their primary purpose is to torment those who are peaceful and Godly. That white woman at your job definitely fits the description of a demon, because they will always fight against our personal harmony and peace of mind.

  47. The most beautiful emotion we can experience is the mystical. It is the power of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms- this knowledge, this feeling, is at the center of true religiousness. In this sense, and in this sense only, I belong to the rank of devoutly religious men. Albert Einstein (1879-1955), German-born U.S. theoretical physicist. Quoted in: Philipp Frank, Einstein: His Life and Times, ch. 12, sct. 5 (1947).

  48. What’s crazy is that they do not realize that they are actually the minority on planet Earth. The planet is 11% White. the rest is non-White. It only takes any two races to wipe them out if they wanted. The only way they can safely boost their numbers without resorting to inbreeding is a reversal of the One Drop Rule – one drop of White blood makes you White.

  49. A lot of long wordy comments in response to this post.
    I responded because I too known the pain and powerlessness of being in social settings controlled and dominated by albinic/whites.

    I also responded to make it known how I differ.

    “Frustrated, I asked my supervisor why the word of an unstable man was being taken over a loyal employee. I never did get that answer.”

    A extremely powerful tactic of the albinic/white population – silence ,and its intended that you never will get an answer; its part of their strategy ,to attack and continue to attack but never “give” you a reason – this shows the extent of their hatred and commitment – they will take it and you to the grave.

    “I walked back to my department with a heavy heart needing some explanation for this never-ending curse on humanity when I spotted X looking at me. ”

    You want and need an explanation,maybe that’s why they will not give it,the last thing you do is give those you hate what they want or need.

    but as to “never-ending curse on humanity” hey you ,me ,us and they all have a finite existence, that is in our limited lives things have a beginning and a end – finite.

    “when I spotted X looking at me. ”
    watching you ,otherwise known as surveillance.

    I often wonder how go0dlooking you are.
    A lot of the albinic/white people i see are very inferior looking and no matter the wealth or status it does not make a difference.

    Since the majority of them are not interested in justice truth or self improvement
    their only option is aggression against those who threaten their inadequacy.

    And Finally
    “Whether or not you believe in the Most High, it is truly the Greatest Story Ever Told”
    “As I walked to the hospital’s tiny chapel to ask God why,”
    The Spirit of my grandma whispered into my ear, “Demon.”

    When I was around 7 or 8 I tried reading the bible but it bored me so much I kept falling to sleep.
    Around the same time during a shared prayer event – my mother getting me and my older sister to kneel down with her and ask the god to improve our situation – I became an atheist.
    A decision I’ve yet to regret ,and at this time I’m 50 ,I’m most proud of seeing how little I knew even could know,of the world back then.

    Point is when it comes to your belief in the god concept ,It is this that disappoints me and I have to remind myself of what I saw when I first visited the front page of your blog ,when I saw all the scholars that spoke so strong against albinic/white aggression.

    The lesson it seems is that no amount of “reason” can alter nor deter fundamental decisions formed in early childhood.

  50. Your story sounds like Missy Ann…hope you spit in that bitches water. lol..

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: