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diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Black vs. Black…Male Against Female Part 2.

*deep breath…again*

Last time we explored the female dynamic and how she relates to black men. Now we must explore the reverse. When I was in South Carolina on assignment, I met a young black man who worked in the transportation department. He was built rather slim and reminded me of Spike Lee. When he found out I loved Otis Redding, we become fast friends. One night whilst working the graveyard shift, he came down to drop off a patient who needed to use the restroom immediately. While I waited for her to be done, he began to open up to me.

His eyes roamed my face, stopping briefly on my lips, then continued to look at me with such intensity, I began to feel uneasy. Then he spoke.

You know…you’re light-skinned enough and all but black women just don’t do it for me.”

I looked at him quizzically. I knew to be insulted by his callous remark but curiosity won over. I never had a man, any man, especially a black one, tell me that my colouring offended him. Plus, I was taken and he knew this. I wondered why he felt the need to tell me this. So I asked, ” Ok…ummm…first, you know I’m off the market, right?”

“Yeah…it’s just that I’m not into black girls.”

I was stunned. I’ve never had a black man tell me this to my face.

“Why? What’s wrong with us?” Now the insult had sunk in.

“No offense or nuthin’ but black women are just too much work for me.” He said this matter-of-factly. Self-assuredly. Like black women are a monolithic group like on Maury.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Too much work? How? Since when is a woman “work”? He went on to tell me that black women are argumentative and stubborn. They never do as they are told and are too demanding sexually. White women are happy just to have a man and will do anything to hang on to him. In the bedroom, he’s in charge. And she never objects. For the first time in my life, I. Was. Speechless.

In a daze, never noticed my patient was finished in the bathroom and was ready for her pre-surgical procedure. This man never showed shame or remorse  for his callous comment of the Original Woman. He said this so casually, I wondered where this misconception came from. Then my friend told me about this:

It seems that black women have been at center of scorn, racial animus, envy, buffoonery, abuse, rejection, rape and degradation from day one. We’ve been told not just by white society that we are worthless, but by our own men who would rather be with any other race other than us. Why?

1. Since Miss Becky lured Willie from the corn fields into her bedroom, the game has been played and over-played ad nauseum:

2. White women bring a sense of accomplishment to the injured black male ego.

3. Black women are only out for a black man’s money.

4. Black women will not produce pretty spawn with “good hair” and pleasing features.

5. Black women are loud, argumentative, stubborn, out for revenge and petty.

6. You cannot climb into high society with a black woman, especially if she’s dark skinned.

7. Internalized racism and societal brainwashing clouds the judgment of black men.

8. Dark-skinned women are out of the question but “high-yellow” types are passable:

9. Black women are underserving of love and affection so whatever happens to them is justified:

10. Black men are simply not attracted to black women.

11. Latina women are a pleasing “buffer” to appease the black man’s ego while giving him a “distant sense of Africa”:

12. If all else fails, an Asian woman will provide you with an utmost sense of masculinity:

Now, now….before y’all get riled up, I know darn well that this is but a myth. In fact, the majority of black men would rather befriend, date, marry and spawn with black women. But…for every black man that “appears” to hate his woman, he gives ALL black men a bad name. And for some reason, the stereotype sticks.

Since this post will probably be just as heated as Female Vs. Male Part 1, all I ask for is mature responses.

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38 thoughts on “Black vs. Black…Male Against Female Part 2.

  1. Pingback: Black vs. Black…Male Against Female Part 2. | Innerstanding Isness

  2. First, when were you in South Carolina?

    Second, even though this is a symptom of internalized hatred, this is nonetheless.

    Third, I heard about Lil’ Wayne making that comment. I wasn’t surprised seeing as how he made such an ignorant comment. It is common within the mainstream rap industry to have a hatred for dark-skinned black women. Of course, the worst of it is that it’s broadcast into homes everywhere.

    However, even though the music is a part of the problem, it’s been the problem for years before rap became imperialized. Even if mainstream rap became more loving and respectful towards dark-skinned women, the rest of the entertainment community will continue this obsession of skin color.

  3. @ Brothawolf

    So basically is the Willie Lynch Syndrome over and over again? Amazing how a “debunked” letter still has impact on us, our lives and our relationships. I was in So. Carolina about 5 years ago.

  4. Mickey on said:

    It sounds like this guy was interested in you, at least a little bit, especially given your skin color, but he let the superficial stereotypes of Black women infect his psyche and, wrongfully so, applied them to you.

    He also falls into the stereotype of the Black man that cannot handle the “Strong Black Woman”, therefore, he looks to get a woman that he can control and is not a threat to him. I have heard of Black men dating, for example, White women because they are “easier to control” though these men claimed they did not hate Black women.

    He was/is a weak man. It is no great loss.

  5. @ Mickey

    Great explanation. Then it begs the question:

    Why feel intimidated by any woman? Why is control such a big factor in the equation? Is this just another effect of the Eurocentric mind frame?

  6. I find it bizarre that he felt the need to confide this to you, to what end? Perhaps he wanted you to dissuade him of his notions.

  7. @ Herneith

    A get a few black men who want me to prove that black women are indeed “different” from the stereotype. What i find weird is the fact that I’m being made responsible for their thoughts and actions. As if they have no control over themselves.

  8. Mickey on said:

    I just watched the video above regarding Lil Wayne. I heard about that drama, but I did not know the details. It is interesting that he told the woman who confronted him about his complexion and that of his daughter’s that he said the difference is that his daughter is a “dark-skinned millionaire… that’s the difference between her and you.” It sounds like he took on the Latin American belief that “money lightens” or “money whitens”. The more money you have, the lighter/whiter you are treated regardless of your actual skintone.

    It also reminds me of a scene in “Mississippi Masala” when Mina, the leading lady, attends a wedding party and some Indian women explain that even though she is dark-skinned, she still had a chance at an Indian husband because, “You can be dark and have money, or you can be fair and have no money, but you can’t be dark and have no money and expect to get a husband.”

  9. I doubt that it was the letter because it seemed inauthentic, but that’s a different topic.

    White people since day one promoted and enforced white supremacy and black inferiority on us through brutal and savage means. Since slavery, through the Black Codes, through Jim Crow, through the Civil Rights and even through the so-called War on Drugs.

    Ever since whites have equated everything ‘white’ as being pure, innocent, beautiful, etc. – even whitewashing history and religion to suit their wants and ‘black’ is it’s exact opposite, it’s no surprise that the black community is still suffering from the mental bondage that has us believing that the lighter you are the better you look. We definitely see that in the music industry as shown in the video, but it was evident for many years prior to the start of modern entertainment as we know it.

  10. At the same time, there are white women who want to be controlled as well.

  11. That’s what they’re made to believe. It’s no different than white people anxious for black people to prove them wrong about us when it most cases any evidence is discarded on the spot.

  12. I’m in the midst of doing a post on the white man white woman deception in love relations.

  13. @ Brothawolf

    Spot on!

  14. That guy sounds very lame to me. I can’t believe he said that to your face. A real loser in my opinion,possibly a self hater as well. Don’t sweat it Queen,it’s his lost not yours.

  15. I worked with a dark Indian woman a couple years ago and it was a COMPLETE disaster because 1) I had more education/and was smarter than she was and 2) My skin was much lighter. And she hated me primarily for that.

    I didnt know until recently that the skin color thing is HUGE among Indians and ironically, I find them to be 1000x more racist than white folks. And the darker they are, the more racist they are.

  16. @ Dr Reine

    You’re not the first person to mention the caste system and racism amongst Indians. I encountered an Egyptian man who considered himself as “White” who made a point of saying whenever I was present, that Blacks made Egypt “worse” due to crime!

    WTF?

  17. Matari on said:

    Sometimes a male will throw out any old BS to gauge a woman’s response. How she reacts, or doesn’t, may reveal her character/disposition more so than conventional (whatever that is today) conversation/questioning.

    In other words, in my opinion, he was simply sending out a “probe” to elicit an emotive response from you.

    ““Yeah…it’s just that I’m not into black girls.”

    “No offense or nuthin’ but black women are just too much work for me.”

    It wouldn’t surprise me at all if this brutha regularly used these “lines” to interact with/surmise black women…

    Someone here recently stated/suggested that black men and women have lost their ability to successfully flirt with each other – the way we once did. This seems to be true. Perhaps “flirting” nowadays has taken on a completely different context than it did in years past.

  18. @ Matari

    You just may be right.

  19. mary burrell on said:

    All I can say is sisters just need to love themselves whatever package you come in. Whatever texture or lenghth of your hair. We are made in the creator’s image. And everything that he made was good. I like the song by Mary J. Blige called “Work That.” It every apropos to this post. Every sister needs to work what God gave them whether the brother’s are checking for them or not. Love Yourself.

  20. mary burrell on said:

    This color thing is just pure madness. It is 2012 not 1912 and this ignorance is still prevelent in our community. It is slave mentality for sure. Then I read how in Jamaica people were bleaching their skin. It’s just sickening and I pray no more generations of black people or people of color will have this sick and sad mind set.

  21. @ Mary

    Me too. Right now, Africa is being recolonized.

  22. Ron Thomas on said:

    I’m going to step gingerly here, since I can’t get my head around the concept. But I asked my wife this one, and she gave me some of the exact same reasons you articulated in the beginning.
    That it’s a sort of brainwashing that started a LONG time ago, and while the techniques have been give a facelift, the underlying motive is the same.
    Divide and conquer.
    Some of it is revenge on the part of white women. Towards family; friends; white society; black women; white men; and in many cases, a premeditated decapitation at just the right moment to bring the black man they are with down, take all they can get, and walk away.
    If they can get black men to believe all the negatives that are spread about black women, it weakens the race.
    If they can continue to get the black man to believe all the negatives spread about himself, get that hatred and self-loathing going full force, he’ll eventually want to place the blame squarely on black women when he needs an outlet. And it weakens the race.
    If they can continue to get black men to see black women as nothing more than sex-objects, but not worthy of a long-term commitment, it weakens the race.
    If they can get black men to buy into the belief they NEED a white woman (or any other type EXCEPT Black women) to show that they have “made it”, it weakens the race.
    If they can get black women to buy into the belief that all (or most) black men are this way, and black men to think all of our women think this way, we’ll fragment all to hell and gone; and eventually be so few in numbers; so disconnected from each other, we’ll cease to be a concern.
    Personally, I don’t see it. This is not to say that there are not some attractive members from other races out there, because there are. Or that they are all engaged in some vast conspiracy to destroy us as a people. (A great many are, but not all) But I’m puzzled as to how you could ever be so “into someone” just because of the color of their skin, knowing they don’t have a CLUE about what your world is like. And knowing that no matter WHAT YOU DO, you’ll never be accepted in theirs.
    As I said, I can’t see it. But I know we have to find a way to break that conditioning among our people; that being white is akin to being successful, and being good and right.
    As for Mr. ““Yeah…it’s just that I’m not into black girls.” HA!!!!!!
    What he means is his game is lame, and you all ain’t into his foolishness. That also meant that he knew you were out of his league, and he HAD to find a way to save fave.

  23. @ Ron

    Again great explanation! I must say, I’m so excited to hear what you have to say about tomorrow’s post.

  24. phoebeprunelle on said:

    Sorry DOAN, i don’t agree that Africa is being recolonized; in fact the opposite seems to be true..

    africanglobe.net

    But that is way off topic 🙂

  25. Tyrone on said:

    Negress:

    As you stated, the vast majority of blackmen on this planet want to love and be loved by their black sisters and the same goes for blackwomen. Black male/female unity has always threatened the white male patriarchal system. If blackmen love the women that birthed them, they will never bow to no man but God Almighty. And, in many ways, that’s a statement of fact. Women make the man, not the other way around. In comes the self-hating blackman, who becomes a tool for white male domination and brainwashing of other like-minded black males. They love being black in the sexual sense, but, not in totality. What are the building blocks of (Black Male Hatred & Denial)?

    1. Unrefined Sexuality…Blackmen develop an unhealthy obsession with their sexual organs, which makes them egoists of the worst kind.

    2. The One Drop Rule…As blackmen, we can create a brown baby with any race of woman, therefore, loyalty to blackwomen is not necessary in the classical sense. This mindset runs deep in the cerebral cortex of blackmen who choose the “Other.” Yes, other women can birth “black babies” so to speak, but, what about the sistas? The One Drop Rule gives blackmen an alibi that they can use to explain away their antagonistic feelings toward blackwomen.

    3. Racial Preference…I love my black sisters, but, i just have a thing for latinas or asian women. I want blackmen to pay attention to my words on this one? Racial preference is a false premise today, was in the past, and always will be. Any idea or theory that is not rooted in “Simple Logic” is null and void in my world. I don’t acknowledge bulls**t…Period! Negress, i’m gonna apologize in advance, blackmen need to hear this. No disrespect to other women on this planet, but, blackwomen are the “Gold Standard” that all of them are judged by. Secondly, what heterosexual, red-blooded man dislikes buttasoft skin, full lips, large breasts, wide hips, and heavenly backsides…Seriously? A blackman has to be blind, crazy, or gay to not be sexually attracted to black females. Any blackman that says “I don’t like blackwomen” is hiding something. He may be the jealous type, controlling, violent, hypersexual, has low self-esteem, not smart, too fat, too short, small penis, and so forth. In other words, there is always a deeper issue at work as it relates to blackmen who dislike blackwomen.

    4. Black Beauty From Afar..The Kim K and J-Lo Context is a new and improved version of the same mold. The premise, she’s not a real white girl, therefore, i’m not really selling out. Mixed whitewomen give said blackmen the best of both worlds so they think. They have the facial and physical beauty of a sista, but are dipped in cream. As with a lot of blackmen, i’m guilty of falling into the MWF(Mixed White Female) trap that is easy to fall victim to. For most sane blackmen, Kim K is just another white female who fawns over (The Black Penis)…one of many. As i’ve stated on this blog and Abagond’s blog, mixed whitewomen and south asian women are attractive to me, i have eyes that look at beautiful women. The difference between me and self-hating blackmen, is that, i have self-control and they don’t. I can admire beauty in other women without losing my mind, which is the key to black male sexuality. As with whitewomen, it’s still selling out by any other name. Them having color doesn’t negate the self-hatred, just saying. Blackmen should stick to sex and dating, as it relates to inter-racial. Sex is the sole basis of the relationship, therefore, i don’t see the point in marrying a white or asian woman just to keep her in bed 24/7. People wonder why blackmen in IR relationships make bad partners, this is why?

    Tyrone
    PS…I have more to say on this topic sista

  26. I listened to Umar Johnson touch upon Interracial Relationships. I’ll touch on points he made with my own flair.

    The Black man’s White woman is almost always that White woman White men do not want. Exceptions made for celebrities sure, but those White women walk with that Black man’s money. Still, a running joke among White men is how Black men like Fat White women. It’s because White men do not by and large like Fat White women. The celebrity finally makes it by getting one of the White man’s own women. The jokes on him though since the White woman is worse than the White man–there’s a reason why even the White man hates her. 😉 The enemy of your enemy is not your friend. The enemy of your enemy is a really, really bad person.

    The Black woman’s White man however is a fetishist chasing tail–a sadistic, sick pervert. Or, he uses her for what benefits businesses can have with “minority” partners. The combination “sex and money.” In fact, a friend’s Sister has a White partner in her daycare for the better credit White men can get–lol–the reverse is, of course, that the White partner gets the better government programs for Black women. Luckily, she’s not sexually involved with him. Either way, certain sexual things you would not find a Black couple seriously discussing are mainstays in this IR relationship. The White man demands a freakishness that should make no one look at a Black Female IR as anything worth conversation. She allowed herself to become low–don’t waste time trying to pick her up.

    On the point of that Black man who insulted you to your face; it might be him trying to get a rise to prove a point of Black women being unmanageable. ‘Cause I can see how a Sister would ask him “Do you want your box?” and he’d wonder what box you meant then watch as you box the boy over. 😉 And if you did slap him, he’d probably wonder what he did to deserve that and say “Yup–this is how Black women are.” Did you feel restrained in not biting his head off because of that?

    Still, it’s hard to really pass judgment on this guy. I walked through a more ‘lower-classed’ area yesterday and passed by one man explaining to another how he had 300 sexual partners–most of whom were local. It’s probably an exaggeration but it’s a sign of priorities among other things. It made me look at the women a bit differently. When I shared the observation with an old friend, he reported how he knew men of a similar ilk, though his claim was not that they were local but more vacation types. Either way, a person experiencing that ‘lower-class’ environment and a ‘upper-class’ environment, knowing more of the former than the latter, may come to misjudge Black people against White people. The issue, though, is that White people are actually much, much, much more depraved, but also much more private. That’s why White Madams of Prostitution are so covert, servicing numerous clientele with a large, large ring, meanwhile Black Pimps are “overt,” with such, comparably low staff and income.

    Though, the problem too fits with many of our people. I go around sites and notice the praise for the Black woman’s physique which is second to none. But the impression is that the Black woman’s beauty is purely physical. This is why those White folk get any play. When we realize that the Black woman’s beauty is spiritual and the White woman’s ugliness is spiritual, then we can truly begin to never make the folly of looking away from our women. I’ll try to teach this.

    You, truthbetold, teach this already. Though I never saw you–I just know that you’re beautiful. Physically, Mentally and DEFINITELY Spiritually.

    Keep being you,

  27. For hundreds of years, interracial sex has been used by Europeans against non-whites to divide and conquer non-white nations; to dilute (destroy) their genetics, culture, and heritage, and to introduce mulatto “advocates” that will be white-identified and bred to serve the needs and the whims of the white supremacists.The English, Spanish, Portuguese, and French destroyed entire nonwhite populations by introducing selected white females to the non-white male “natives.”

  28. @ Prince

    That’s why a lot of blacks folks don’t like or trust Mulattoes. They’re in Africa right now doing the same damn thing.

  29. @ Onitaset

    You actually made me blush!

    Thank you for the wonderful comments. Was I angry with the young brother? No. Insulted and sad, yes. Black men are brainwashed to be confused about desires. Black women are brainwashed to be confused about beauty. Together we make an interesting pair, no?

    What upsets me most about this confusion is how we can’t seem to realize that whites are killing us off and “diluting” our ancestry for the sake of their own genetic survival.

    It’s the greatest trick ever pulled.

  30. So I’ve heard. I have mixed people in my family. I have nothing against them. I have relatives who have children with whites and Mexicans. But I do watch mulattoes carefully. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some fight on behalf of black people,some others do not.

  31. I know exactly what you mean. Believe me.

  32. Negress

    Why would any sane woman want to spread her thighs for a blackman that hates himself? If a race of men don’t want to make love to themselves(their women), they don’t hold themselves in high regard. At this point and time, blackmen aren’t mentally and emotionally stable to love women not of their tribe. In order for that to happen, blackmen and the black race in general has to be at full strength. Right now, blackmen are jacked-up in more ways than one, which is why “The Swirl” is only sexual in context. Folk wonder why whitemen in high places push the black male/white female dynamic so much in media? The blackmen who lust after other women aren’t rooted in “Black Love” anyway. The only way a blackman can love other women is to view them as pseudo-blackwomen. A blackman is laying pipe to them, they’re birthing brown babies more or less, in other words, they’re black by default. This is where blackmen run into trouble. Loving blackwomen is the objective. If any mixing occurs, it has to be on our terms, not those of society. What are we trying to accomplish as blackmen? Mixing for the hell of it is pointless. Do we want the planet to be blacker? Do we want greater diversity in terms of phenotype? Are we trying to piss-off other men? Is it about the chase? What’s the real story? As to mulattos, i don’t think black folk will ever trust mulattos 100%. Let’s remember, they’re only half-black. Whites have used them to divide and conquer from the start, therefore, black people should always have a healthy amount of skepticism as it relates to them. Mulattos are not real black people, we must not lose sight of that. Negress, no disrespect to you, but i gotta keep it 100 with the people. I can trust you and your motives, you want to identify with and be a blackwoman. The others i can’t say that about with confidence.

    Onitaset…The truth always wins out. For a long time, blackmen have never been confronted with their bs, as it relates to the topic of inter-racial. Those in question would always quote mindless racial cliches, quote Dr. King’s “I Have A Dream Speech” and other outlets for their line of thinking. Today, it’s not as easy for blackmen to get away with talking ill of their black sisters as in the past. Sex is more than just sex, Why would so many black males assume that they had an easy ride, as it relates to other women? This issue is about blackmen, not women of other races. Women aren’t gonna change, we have to change. Onitaset, you’re the truth brotha, keep it eye level at all times.

    Tyrone

  33. @ Tyrone

    No offense taken. Most blacks don’t trust light skinned anything to be frank. Just keeping it real. Light skinned folks have always been breed to think that they’re better.

  34. Thank you Tyrone.

    For a long while you have been an inspiration to many African people to speak up and speak truth.

    Keep being yourself.

    HTP

  35. @Negress
    @Onitaset

    Negress and Onitaset, thank you for being an inspiration to me as well. I’m a fan of yours as well. All of this is simple to understand, not complex. 90% of the bs that blackmen deal with on this planet revolves around sex and women. Fear of black male supremacy is the driving force behind “The System” so to speak. If a blackman is rooted in (Black Eros), he loves blackwomen and women in general. Therefore, he has motivation to stay on the right path. No violence, no pain, no bloodshed. That type of brotha wants to be loved and give love in abundance. Why the fear? These are the 4 building blocks of black male sexuality…Pro-Life, Pro-Health, Pro-Freedom, Pro-Women. Negress, allow me to get explicit for a moment. The Perfect Movie…Times Square, New York City, blackmen making love to blackwomen, whitewomen, asian women, and native-american women on the sidewalks, in cabs, in stores, restaurants, on the bus…Imagine That? This is how the equation came to me one night in bed dreaming about no specific sista in mind…Black Eros + Dark Eros = Global Eros. A light clicked on in my head, and i haven’t been able to turn it off since. The bottomline, fear of unrestricted black male sexuality is why we’re hated as men of african descent by others. If we blossom, the racial makeup of the planet will be in our image…Of Course! Sistas, it always been about sex from the jump…Recognize!!!

    Tyrone
    Negress…Never Change My Sista
    Onitaset…We Will Win,,,No Doubt

  36. I have to say ego plays a big part in all of this. My last relationship was with a black man (I’m a black female), and prior to me he had dated a plethora of Asian women. We would attend his friends functions periodically and a few would comment to me that it was refreshing to finally see him with a black woman. The relationship was beyond tumultuous. I was called names such as “stupid black woman” and compared to his ex girlfriends a lot. It seemed that no matter what I did I was still going to be in his eyes “just a black woman that he settled for.” I ended the relationship. We hardly went out Alone and if we did he stayed on the phone and kept his walking distance from me. This nearly robbed me of my spirit but I got out. Black women and men have a lot of healing to do. Reading this entry resonated with me. I had to post a comment because it truly hurts my heart as a black woman that we self hate so much because we have accepted how society views us. I’m healing myself and I hope others begin. I’m a loving black woman, 41 childless and never been married.

  37. Kat

    Thanks for the heartfelt reply. I hope you find love soon. You are deserving of it.

  38. Your above comment: “What i find weird is the fact that I’m being made responsible for their thoughts and actions. As if they have no control over themselves.”

    This! This inability to be accountable is highly irritating and very disappointing. And
    I’m trying to wrap my head around dudes sense of entitlement to just dump on you and then try to hide it with an backhand “compliment”. That was really upsetting to read. And I think it shows that our community needs to have a full open honest conversation of what Black womanhood/femininity looks like. All aspects of it. Because many men are still holding onto these very limited, antiquated, and ultimately damaging views of what a woman is supposed to look like, act like, and sound like.

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