Observations of an Invisible Woman

Black Vs Black…Female Against Male Part 1.

*deep breath*

(The comments will be a bloody nightmare but let’s just do this.)

Truth, I’m done with black men.” That was the statement uttered with certainty and utmost calm by my black co-worker. She, like myself, is an educated professional woman in medicine. She is a Chief Echocardiographer, no easy feat for a black woman; Ultra schooled, upper-middle class, owns her own home outright, confident and so damn attractive, you can’t help but stare at her, she’s quite a sight.

“Why?” I wanted to chuckle but seriousness of her tone told me to keep quiet. “What did they do?”

Are you freakin’ kidding me? Look at them! No job. No ambition. Still living at home. And let’s be honest. Finding a black man on my level is going to be next to impossible. ”

I nodded slowly not knowing how to respond. What should I say? X, you’re being ridiculous? Black men have it twice as hard as we do so cut the brothers some slack? You’re a snob and your job and title has gone to your head? Black men with an education and position do exist because I’ve met them. Shut up now…you’re making all black women look bad?

“Besides”, she continued “Most educated black men have white women as girlfriends and wives.”

*deep sigh*


Here we go…

The dynamic between black man and black woman has been rooted in passionate love, domestic violence, self-realization, self-hate, fatherlessness, the euphoria of education and success, drug abuse, the Civil Rights Movement, moving into the status of “middle class” from the ghettoes, abandonment, childbirth/ child rearing, a white Jesus, the MEDIA and the black church ever since we came here from that little boat ride. That’s a lot to deal with! When all was said and done, we did the absolute unthinkable; we turned on each other.

Black men, propagandazied as monkeys, criminals, worthless, animals, unkempt and unfaithful, began to fall victim to the worst slavery of all…mental slavery. This is not an excuse for bad behaviour, but a study in why certain behaviours occur within our community.

In the recent decades, black women have risen in different areas of  education. Today, black women are in fields that were traditionally made for white males. Since I do not believe anything written about us by whites, I will not quote statistics on college education and employment by gender. Not only does the black woman make the bread and butter but she is the matriach of her family. She tends to the kids homework, attends PTA meetings, cooks, does laundry and sexually services her man. Without her, the family unit suffers.

The black man, on the other hand, scrutinized and made to be “suspicious”, is often denied work no matter how qualified. Stereotyped as lazy and driven out of the workforce under the clever guise of a lay-off, he is under immense pressure. Implosion comes, unfortunately, when he finds no release for his angst, depression and anger.

Remember this?

This broke my heart. And made me weep when I heard sisters use this as an excuse to give up on our men.

This is my supposition as to why:

1. Black men are too damaged and not worth “fixing.”

2. They’re broke.

3. White men will wine and dine; black men are clueless when it comes to romance. For them is all about sex.

4. Her education/position/status brainwashes her into believing he’s not good enough for her.

5. She wants to elevate herself into middle / upper class status and a black man “won’t do it for her.”

6. He wants her to take care of him.

7. He’s abusive.

8. Other black men have failed her consistently and she’s not willing to try again.

9. She’s a golddigger and the fastest way to get to the top is with a white man at her side.

10. She’s happy with work, friends, God, hobbies  and family and doesn’t need / want / care to be bothered.

Any thoughts? Do you agree/disagree? Why?

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37 thoughts on “Black Vs Black…Female Against Male Part 1.

  1. mary burrell on said:

    I love black men would’nt have it any other way. I admit they get on my nerves from time to time. But I love my black man.

  2. Matari on said:

    This is probably one of your most compelling/provocative posts to date!

    No doubt about it, Truth – our male/female relationships/community is in a state of crisis. I don’t think it’s ever been as bad before as it is today.

    It seems that too many people either don’t know – or forgot – or don’t care about how to do better.

  3. mary burrell on said:

    @Matari, PREACH!

  4. @ Matari

    Do you think we’re in crisis because we’ve been conditioned not to care by the falseness of the media or is it something deeper? Whenever I turn on the radio or make the mistake of turning on the Idiot Box, all I see is blacks trashing each other.

  5. In my view, Misogyny runs deeply in the European consciousness; but also, there’s something vapid, dead and meaningless in the African community.

    On the former point, I was a long-time feminist in the European school of thought. I saw what looked like hatred being thrown toward European women. It was a rape culture, and women were sexual objects that were never meant to speak. We know this. We know about the feminist struggle against the silencing of White women. I do not need to explain this. Still, it’s worth expressing that many African people consume European consciousness often.

    But then there’s the death within some African communities of America. My! Speaking on the streets with a 19-year-old, trying to raise his consciousness toward my organization, he stopped me to point out a bypassing youth. He guessed her age to be YOUNG*, then assuredly he shouted out a flirt.

    It’s not so bad that YOUNG is so young, it’s worse that his flirting was so vapid: “I have a new R&B track that I want you to listen to.” But what’s even worse than that is that speaking with an Elder, older than 70; she couldn’t tell you what was wrong with that pick-up line. It’s possible that most of us couldn’t.

    Regardless, it goes without saying that while European society may have negative values that work for Europeans and their friends; the African communities are on the lower rung. People who self-identify or classify as a higher rung, for that reason alone, may see it more fit to be friends with Europeans when they can be friends. I.e. it’s a delusion that Europeans manufactured for the sake of being more valuable in the eyes of Africans.

    In fact, if I recall correctly, I asked the 19-year-old whether it bothered him that in every society in this world Black people are on the lowest rung. He told me it bothers him and he tries to do better by being a role model!!! Yet he’s a vapid skirt chaser. Geez.

    It’s said:

    A man can’t be judge of his neighbor’ intelligence. His own vital experience is never his neighbor’s.

    Assuredly, someone chasing Europeans is a gold-digger; and heck they are pretty low-down too. But I can’t pretend like they are the first opportunists.

    I just do better and welcome the rewards from our Creator.

    *I’d rather not report.

  6. mary burrell on said:

    We are living in a time of Apathy. People do not give a damn.

  7. Onitaset:

    Good answer. It seems as if we are dead inside for sure. I’ve seen that vacant look in our eyes many times.

  8. @
    Miss Mary

    I agree. Apathy has taken hold over us.

  9. Lol, I feel like I gave out too much information. Really blew that boy’s spot . . ..

    Can you imagine, I saw a narrow street corner with dog feces all around it. But it was a busy walk way and our folk just walked in it. I saw few exceptions. It’s amazing to me. How so dead?

    Reminds me of that Last Poet’s Poem. It’s kind of vile and disagreeable, but it reminds me of it.

  10. Ron Thomas on said:


    Where to start? The one line made me start laughing: “Most educated black men have white women as girlfriends and wives.”
    Some of us have gone that way, but the vast majority have not.
    I haven’t, and I am an educated black man. My wife is black, and we both put the coins together to get her thru 2 Associates, a BS and an MS, my BS, we each have about 10-20 different certifications in this-or-that, and we have a teenager headed to Veterinary school at Arcadia Univ next year, so THAT old line won’t work. And white women only interest me when they are bringing my food to my table. Sounds snobbish in the extreme, but so what? They don’t do it for me.
    I have always found intelligent Black women an EXTREME turn-on. There is NOTHING like flirting with someone with a razor-sharp mind and wit. Call me crazy, but I like to work for your attention.
    But it is a convenient excuse to stop looking, and/or trying. Just like the one about “all we want is sex.”
    Hell, that’s EVERY MAN!!!! Most of us know how to balance out the animal with the thinking part of our psyche, but we all get held to that standard by those looking for an excuse. That’s really all I see it as.
    I see it as looking for an excuse too date white men, when in truth, if that’s what blows your skirt up, then go the hell on. Love who you love. Date whoever the hell you want. Marry whomever makes you happy. But don’t throw all the crap these same people fed you for years on us as if it’s supposed to “justify” your actions.
    As for the state of relationships between black men and women; I don’t see as much of an issue as people claim. I see self inflicted wounds from people who have allowed themselves to buy into the myth white america has fed them about blacks being flawed.
    If we can get past believing everything we’re told about ourselves by everyone else, and start seeing and accepting ourselves for who we truly are, male and female, I think we’ll be just fine.
    Hopefully, I didn’t get too far afield with this.

  11. @


    Dead meaning vacant. like talking about issues that plague our community and all you get is a blank stare.

  12. @ Ron…lol

    Yes I agree that using “giving up” on black men is a great excuse to date and marry whites.

  13. ALCHEMIST on said:

    I don’t see any real evidence of black women giving up on black men. The reverse looks true. According to a 2011 study by the Pew Research Center 24% of black male newlyweds married a non-black woman compared to 9% of black female newlyweds in 2010.

  14. @alchemist

    Part 2 coming soon..

  15. I really, really was not going to comment, but the Pew Research never mentioned that they left out some very valuable information from their study.

    See the Toldson and Marks study here:


    I am more inclined to believe this is the reality. But, i think people have to feel comfortable with whatever narrative suits their reality.

  16. phoebeprunelle on said:


    This may be a more informative article than the one in the link i posted above.

  17. brothawolf on said:

    Some of us are indeed living in a state of defeat. After all, black people have been fighting for basic human rights for so long, and everytime, “they” throw us a bone and some of us are happy to get it instead of the full-course meal that they owe us. Again, some of us have truly given up on our people seeing nothing good coming from us but from the oppressors, their descendants or anyone not identified as black.


    Even though we know the causes behind this, it’s still heartbreaking and depressing to know that this is ‘life’ for us whether we like it or not.

    As a black male I admit that it is a hard struggle, at least for me it is. It’s still very painful – so painful that sometimes I cry.

  18. Marcus Garvey said that “If you haven’t confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started.”
    I agree our minds have been messed up by being fed a very decapitated version of ourselves. We are lions who have been weened by gazelles such that we loath eating meat and love munching grass. Then tragedy strikes when messed up parents/families are the only examples that their kids know best….kids are but carbon copies of their parents….in this case, we have a tragedy of the blind leading the clueless.

    Breaking free from mental slavery has been a shortchanged phrase. We need to inject some vital confidence of pride in the empty shell tha characterizes the black man. Once you know who you are and what you are capable of, no fanatic, fool or false friend will sway you from your date with a grand destiny. If u believe u can’t do sh*t, then you won’t do sh*t. It all starts in tha mind….a messed up mind equals a messed up life; this equation has no exceptions…an absolutely absolute truth in itself.

    To change the (black) man we need to declare total way on his ‘wayward-pride-depraved’ mind. Black Man Stand. Time to head to tha frontlines. You are more than welcome to join.

  19. I love black me deeply….I just wish it were more reciprocated… At times I feel second best and sometimes I even feel like I lower my standards, because I can’t find a man I think I deserve. I won’t give up. I have wonderful men in my family and my father was a great dad, but he had flaws that hurt my mom too. I get so confused when I talk about this. I just feel like black men and women need to fall in love with each other again.

  20. OK…thanks Phoebes…

  21. This is the reason why I don’t believe anything that is written about us!

  22. I know the feeling, Brothawolf.

  23. @ Frikalture

    Great comments! And I’m already at the frontlines.

  24. @ Cleonette

    I understand.

  25. Matari on said:

    “Do you think we’re in crisis because we’ve been conditioned not to care by the falseness of the media or is it something deeper? Whenever I turn on the radio or make the mistake of turning on the Idiot Box, all I see is blacks trashing each other.”


    I think that we’re in this crisis because we’ve somehow gotten sidetracked …
    Blacks in America were once – and not that long ago – a much more DIGNIFIED people – at least in public. Today, it seems we’ve lost our sense of pride/dignity.

    The word “shame” (embarrassment) has been replaced with “hot mess.” Today, we are doing foolishness – to one another – and to ourselves at rates that far exceeded whatever our parents/grands/great grands once did behind closed (private) doors. Now the floodgates are wide open for everyone to publicly see the stupidity, confusion, selfishness and immaturity that has overwhelmed too many black and brown folks.

    There SEEMS TO BE MORE NEGATIVE THAN POSITIVE ROLE MODELS (male and female) now, for our young people to observe and emulate/imitate.

    As Onitaset has suggested, we’ve copied the European’s worst traits and made them our own. Racism/white supremacy certainly isn’t helping us (understatement) but ultimately, we are the ones who are primarily responsible for how we do/treat each other. We lost that “BLACK is beautiful” spirit that was born in the latter 60’s, early 70’s. We need to find a way to reclaim that – and much more. It’ll require something miraculous…

    @ Cleonette, I feel you.
    You can find the man you deserve IF you can wait. He’s out there looking for you – the special woman that he deserves. When the timing is right – the universe will put you two together. Good things really do happen for those who will be patient and wait. Don’t settle – know who you are, and insist on receiving what’s best/right for you. You’ll KNOW HIM by how he treats you… what he does – and does not do. Not by what he says!

  26. mary burrell on said:

    One last comment if i may. We are responsible for our own degradation or advancement.

  27. @ Matari

    Excellent comments!!!

  28. Ron Thomas on said:

    Absolute truth.

  29. 87 perent of African American males that earn over 100000USD are married to a black woman. Google Toldson and Marks for more details.

  30. Ah, You beat me to it. Again.

  31. wilson on said:

    In my opinion, black people are defeated because we get all our definitions from a White-centric society.

    For example the woman in question here:
    – She defines success ad value through job status and salary.
    – She takes the stereotypes given to her by her white masters to be the absolute truth e.g. the lazy black man stereotype.

    Furthermore we measure each other using the white lense. We get our education from a white centric society, we go to work in white centric organisations. We play to the white-centric tune, their system is the puppeteer and we are the puppets.

    No wonder at the end of it all, we are dead inside.

  32. Wilson:


  33. @Satan, no…it’s actually 88%(dude where are you getting your figures?) instead of coming on here trying to give black people hope you need to go somewhere and get your stats right, 🙂

  34. Lesson in Wisdom Arithmetic

    [My co-worker is] so damn attractive, you can’t help but stare at her, she’s quite a sight.

    — truthbetold


    When you control a man’s thinking you do not have to worry about his actions. You do not have to tell him not to stand here or go yonder. He will find his “proper place” and will stay in it. You do not need to send him to the back door. He will go without being told. In fact, if there is no back door, he will cut one for his special benefit. His education makes it necessary.

    — Carter G. Woodson


    “Truth, I’m done with black men.”

    — truthbetold’s co-worker

    This is why, as beautiful as African women are, I don’t encourage European men to acknowledge this, for the European man controls the thinking of many African women. If he wants one, especially one under the spell of White culture and White counter-culture, he can take one. Not because he’s rich, not because he’s stable, not because he’s personable; but because he’s White and he paid her a special compliment against her education.

    I do not remember the story of “beauty and the beast,” but one imagines that if on one hand a ‘beast’ is complimented by a ‘beauty,’ that ‘beast’ would see in that ‘beauty’ more positive characteristics than she possesses. Not to call us parallel, but our education poses us in this way. Media makes out Africanness as ‘beasts’ and Europeanness as ‘beauty.’ When the truth is and should be expressed as the reverse.

    If I can comment but a bit more I would like to comment on:

    She is a Chief Echocardiographer, no easy feat for a black woman

    The difficulty here for a Black woman is not in the skills required, but amongst whom she must be promoted. But when we are young and aspiring to positions of low Black population, we do not realize this, thinking instead that skills are the impediments. How we awaken when we learn that our ancestors were doctors, scientists, architects the world over, and even the woman begging on the streets could have done our hardest labour had she not been held down by the hatred from the European.

    This knowledge crushes, but so the right track can be built when the wrong is demolished. I think Sister truthbetold, in a nice, calm manner, you can explain to your Sister, in short friendly scoops, how rich our history is in the medical profession, and how actually the corresponding lack of population in the medical fields has little to do with her individual accomplishment but the European’s group accomplishment–in that he kept our own profession from us.

    Of course, you must be tactful, I’d mull over it and put the approach to several people before breaking such news to this friend. ‘Cause it’s not that she did not earn it–she did–it’s that many others possessed the quality to earn it, but less qualified Whites blocked their success.

    I’m convinced that relating how she has noted the intelligence of African people as greater than European people can be a springboard to the subject matter of realizing that no European is good enough for her, but many African people, despite their oppressed status, are more than capable enough for her. Just give her purpose like imparting her medical knowledge to a newer generation of African medical professionals, and assuredly she may not be a bad story, but a good story of a real Sister who didn’t forget where she came from, what she is made of and who are the Africans outside of the medical profession.

    Thanks for being lovely,

  35. phoebeprunelle on said:

    my reply was meant for Wilson’s post.

  36. Pingback: Did I have something to say? « The Governed Speak

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