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diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Why I No Longer Keep White Friends

I grew up with diversity all around me. My first crush was on a Guyanese boy of Indian Descent. I had friends calling our house of all nationalities and races. I never knew the difference between them. I wasn’t raised that way. We were just kids going to the arcade to play Mrs. Pac-Man and Donkey Kong, listening to Michael Jackson’s new album, Bad, and trying to fit in. I never realized until I got older that white people were different from me.

I come from humble beginnings. We worked hard with no excuses. If you wanted to eat, you had to work. There were times when we struggled…and I mean hard…but God always provides for tomorrow. I learned at an early age from watching the one woman in my family who would serve as my ultimate inspiration, my mom. She was strong, capable, unyielding, tough as nails and loving to a fault. I, being a black woman, also had to be tough and determined. I too had to swallow bitter tears. No one was going to coddle me, protect me from the evils of the world, give me things I didn’t earn and make me feel as if I’m a precious specimen to be adored. I am black. I can’t afford to be naive.

When I entered high school, I began to befriend various white women. They flocked to me. In fact, EVERY relationship I had with a white girl, she was the instigator. She complimented me on my bone structure, my lips, my frame…the curliness of my hair, the softness of my skin…she wanted to know what foods I ate and what music I listened to. She inquired on where I’m from, on how I “spoke so well” and where I learned to speak proper English. She watched the way I walked, the way my lips moved when I spoke, the whiteness of my teeth against my skin and how she could tan “just like me.”

It never occurred to me to be offended…at all. I was young and never knew the difference. College was another story. I grew my hair long. Being of mixed ancestry from both parents but especially my mom and grandparents, my hair took on a beautiful wave when long. I was told that I had the kind of hair black women envied. I shrugged it off. I didn’t care, I had boys on the mind.

White boys began to notice me. A lot. Then my relationship with white women began to unravel. Suddenly, the smiles stopped and the scowls began. The compliments on the pretty blouse I had worn, turned into criticisms that I shopped at consignment stores. They eyed me suspiciously and made the most horrific remarks about how ugly all black women were. How fat, how smelly, how unkempt …and how no self-respecting white man would date, let alone marry, “one of us.”

Then came the job world where I would constantly be bombarded with stupid motherfucking questions about why blacks:

Dressed, ate, danced, fucked, talked and lived “the way they do.” But, you see, do not be offended because you’re not like the “rest of them.” Then the questions came about my:

Hair, clothing, skin, freckles, lips, buttocks, waist to hip ratio, nipple colour (in the RN’s locker room) and if black men’s penises were really that much bigger. But, you see, do not be offended because you’re not like the “rest of them.” Then the questions came on why blacks:

Are prone to raping people, killing people, fucking up their own neighbourhoods, stealing, doing drugs, joining a gang, spraying graffiti, being more racist than “any white person they’ve ever met” and just being a no-good, low down, dirty, rotten, stinking drain on society. But, you see, do not be offended because you’re not like the “rest of them.”

Then came the men…

Who would stare that cautious but lustful gaze riddled with guilt with comments on how he’d always wanted to “try a black girl to see if the rumours were true”. Who would have the expectation that because you are black, you’re not a REAL woman and should be used as an instrument of sexual relief for a hard day at work. Who would grow angry with righteous indignation that you would REJECT him due to the fact that you should be grateful that he even looked at you in the first place. Who would have the expectation that your complexion is an invitation for promiscuity because that’s what “pa said“.

So after explaining with great and excruciating detail on why blacks in AmeriKlan are scapegoats to keep the racial flames burning, after explaining that the term “African-American” or any other hyphenated ethnicity was a political tool to divide the nation and get more votes, after explaining that all people commit crimes but the media airs the black ones more frequently and at primetime between the hours of 4-9 pm due to Nielsen Ratings, after explaining to them that the concept of race is a white invention and no other species on earth does that, after explaining to them that the Department of Justice and the FBI embellishes their numbers to keep minorities at the bottom, after explaining to them that all politicians are bought and paid for by Wall Street, after explaining the history of slavery in this Puritanical country and having them nod and say “Ohhhhhhh….right, Ok….I see…yes, yes, yes” and then say the same stupid ass bullshit comments over and over again to my face with a smile…I finally said:

FUCK IT! I’m done!

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67 thoughts on “Why I No Longer Keep White Friends

  1. Bravo!! Although I didn’t purposely decide not to have white friends, it’s just kinda worked out that way.

  2. nicoleh73 on said:

    I’ve never had any white friends but it was due to my environment. I live in New York which is extremely diverse, but also very segregated when it comes to neighborhoods. I grew up in Harlem/Spanish Harlem so most of my friends were Black and Puerto-Rican or Dominicans. My high-school was mainly people of color (Black, Asian..)

    If me and my friends hung out in the Village we would get approached by white guys. I also experienced them showing romantic interest in me once I entered job force. I too was told, “You speak so well..” and I saw first hand them trying to claim me and make me feel as though I was some how different than those other Negroes. I had to remind them to not get it twisted: I was born and raised in Harlem. They always looked shocked when I told them this. They all viewed Harlem as some giant slum. They seemed clueless to Harlem’s rich cultural history.

    The men in particular at my job would be shocked when my Black boyfriend would come to work take me to lunch (We worked in the same area) All of my boyfriends have been men of color.

    I often hear whites accuse us black folk of being stand-offish, unfriendly (I’ve been called ‘guarded’ by them) anti-social, and racist. There’s a reason why many of us sit together in the lunchroom. Who wants to be constantly bombarded with: “Why do Black people…” questions all day. They are completely clueless. I was asked by this woman who had adopted a black child “What do you guys put on your kids skin when its dry?” WE USE LOTION JUST LIKE YOU DO! It’s like we’re creatures to them.

    I have to protect myself emotionally and spiritually. I refuse to allow people to feed off of me. I just don’t have the energy any more. Nicole needs to look out for Nicole.

  3. WOW. Thanks for the heartfelt post, Nic.
    I am from NYC too…so I understand the diversity and the segregation. It’s funny, no? The views that we are “different.” Whites treat us as if we are from another planet, yet when we separate ourselves from them, they wonder why…Go figure.

  4. ynotme on said:

    I had similar experience with most whites and came to the conclusion that they will only mentally absorb and accept the stereotypically negative things about blacks. Anything else is just dust in the wind.

  5. I was listening to that last night! Good answer.

  6. This is wonderful. And your choice of delivery is superb. That crescendo! I think that the rest of us should take notes.

  7. ****blushes****

  8. Nakale on said:

    I purposely do not have white friends, because they always seem to be out of touch with reality. When I was growing up in Nigeria, I noticed that white expatriates received preferential treatment in every aspect. To keep a long story short, white people are seen as demi-gods in Africa. After I re-immigrated to the United States, I finally realized that they are egotistical and manipulative.

    My 13 year old son is more open-minded than I am, but he is starting to realize that his black friends are more loving and family-oriented than his white friends. White girls are constantly coming to my house to play with him. I wonder why. I pray that my 4 sons grow to become proud black men; I am definitely not raising Uncle Toms. LOL!!

  9. I had friends up until high school. Then again, most of the people whom I thought were friends turned out to be anything but. However, looking back, with white people it’s slightly different.

    I was friends with a few white boys up until our teenage years which was when a new student, another white boy, came. He had a lousy personality and loved to pick on certain kids, especially white girls. However, I seemed to be his favorite clown.

    What’s worse is that the white boys whom I was friends with started hanging with him. They thought he was so cool the way he spoke what he felt and never giving a fuck what others thought of him. He was the regular bad boy, a bad boy with straight A’s I might add.

    I was too naive to know that he was a prick. Being young, I wanted everyone to like me, including him and his friends, my former friends. Looking back, I see that I was a fool, especially for letting them make fun of me.

    This is one reason why I don’t have too many fond memories of high school. I guess I should’ve became a lonewolf then instead of a year ago.

  10. If not for my immediate family and a FEW close friends, I too would be a lone wolf. That’s not really a bad thing, though…considering the time we are living in.

  11. I learned what day it was at an early age. I was bombarded with monikers such as ‘spook’, ‘spear chucker’, ‘porch monkey’, the requisite ‘nigger’ and so forth. The ones who remain silent when this occurred, were just as guilty for not standing up to this abuse. Lets just say I learned to be wary of whites at an early age. Compound this with the fact that I grew up mostly around whites. I have never had any illusions about them whereby they metamorphosed into disappointments later in life. Perversely, I am glad I experienced this early as I was ready for the nuanced racism which was to come and exists today. Oh, I became an expert at fisticuffs. I was taught never to back down!

  12. Sorry for all the pain. I almost wish I had learned this earlier…it would’ve been so much easier.

  13. Oh no negress! I had an edifying educmacation in racism the likes of which I am forever grateful. The only pain experienced was those who got the tip of my footwear or the ‘caress’ of my fist! Angry when these incidences occurred yes.:

    http://herneithmyblog.com/2009/11/21/what-the-word-nigger%E2%80%9D-has-taught-me/

  14. Matari on said:

    “Oh, I became an expert at fisticuffs. I was taught never to back down!”

    *******

    LOL

    Herneith, thou art a woman after my own heart!!! : ))

    @Negress

    What I find the hardest to take from smug whites is their imagined assumptions that they know every damn thing. They even believe that they know what you know and don’t know… because after all, blacks are – inferior. According to their way of thinking.

    *smdh*

  15. Mickey on said:

    That’s funny considering once I was watching an episode of the television game show “Jeopardy” when all of the contestants were white and one of the categories was about African-Americans. It was funny watching them trying to answer the questions that got harder the further along they went and how they were scrambling to avoid the African-American category, going so far as to try an anwer the hardest questions (which they got wrong). They finally got to the Black section once the board was cleared of the other categories. And out of all of those questions, one of them only got the first one correct. Apparently, they failed Negrology 101.

  16. You would think from the mentality of these pale ones that they wrote the book on us.

  17. I view people in general with much suspicion, due to my upbringing – but I admit to having more negative responses to people with lighter skin than I, regardless of their ‘racial’ appearance…and ‘house negroes’ of any shade who fawn at white feet make me want to vomit with rage!

  18. Hello. impressive job. I did not expect this. This is a great story. Thanks!

  19. Man, fuck white people. They don’t have to deal with what we have to deal with. But you know what? It wasn’t NO ONE’s job to coddle you and protect you. It was your mom’s job. and if you’re saying that no one was even SUPPOSED to do that, she obviously fucked up.

    We’re never gonna successfully fight our way to equality if we excuse our moms for not taking care of us. Racism keeps us down culturally but we can’t keep excusing child abuse in our community, because when our moms don’t coddle us and protect us from the outside, shitty world, we keep ourselves down when white people aint even around.

  20. First, please don’t talk that way about my favorite woman. She tried to protect me. As any mother should…One more comment about her and you are banned.

  21. “She inquired on where I’m from, on how I “spoke so well” and where I learned to speak proper English.”

    Oh, the backhanded compliment. I got that all the time growing up. It’s as if they couldn’t fathom that there are black people out there who speak decent English.

    I admit that I do have white friends, but they aren’t like the ones that you mentioned in your post. The ones you mentioned in your post are ones I avoid like the plague. I have no time for the dumb questions, the patronizing attitudes, and the thinly-veiled racism.

    And I live in a neighborhood that lacks diversity, and am constantly on the receiving end of nervous looks, purse-clutching (while I have my own purse to worry about, thanks!), and avoidance of eye contact (as if they’re afraid that looking at a black person will steal their souls). I cannot wait for the day when I can finally move to a place more diverse.

  22. This is interesting…
    http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2012/06/04/gwyneth-paltrows-n-word-tweet-sparks-debate/?hpt=hp_t3

    You just have to love the comments section…the expected drivel regurgitated ad nauseum

  23. I am working on a post about something similar due out this week.

  24. Tyrone on said:

    Truthbetold:

    White people are not happy being white. If they were actually happy with pale skin, thin lips, and other ish, they wouldn’t obsess over black people as much as they do. This ish is what whites don’t wanna talk about. White supremacy has more to do with them not loving their whiteness, than thinking blacks to be inferior. The minute whitemen started to notice you, they showed their true colors…Insightful! Sistas, whitewomen don’t love whitemen like that…they want ya’ll to think it’s about race and beauty…BS! The white boys still have the cake, whitewomen don’t wanna lose their meal ticket despite not having true loyalty to whitemen at the same time. This explains why they chase after rich blackmen. Again, whitewomen are the problem today, not whitemen so much as in the past. Peep game sistas, this ish is easy to decode. Truth, stay black and beautiful mama…Always!

    Tyrone

  25. Good points and observations, Ty.

  26. You do realize that all races ostracize their own as well. It has less to do with color and more to do with shitty personalizies and character flaws. There are all kinds of discrimination out there, but when I read your posts it seems like only the white against black issue exists. Wake up! The African American community is not alone, and if your ideals were as altruistic as you like to think they are, you would be building relationships with good people no matter what color they are. Swearing off white people puts you on par with the people you point your finger at here.

  27. Null:

    Since I have a feeling who and what you’re about, I’ll be brief. This is my blog and I will have my opinion. Period.
    If you don’t care for what I have to say…stop commenting.

  28. I am not saying you are not entitled to your opinion. I am saying that for someone that lists hypocracy as a pet peeve, you sure do contradict yourself when you make your judgements against people about race as well. Take the bitch from your medical school experience, I be willing to bet that her foul behavior was not something that she saved only for blacks. You experienced it as a race issue, but I am telling you that the issue is bigger than race. People like her are equal opportunity haters. The macro problem is the hate, period.

  29. @Null:

    Go take a flying leap of the nearest cliff;in other words STFU. As she pointed out, it is her blog, if you don’t like it go elsewhere with your kumbaya bullshit, twat.

  30. Null on said:

    I had the option to “leave a reply”, so I did. If you can’t handle my comments then maybe you should not discuss these topics in public view.

    How does keeping hate alive make your any different from your adversaries?

    As Nietzsche said, “Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.”

  31. Nakale on said:

    Null, have you ever taken the time to ask your fellow Caucasians why they are hateful and condescending towards black people? We are only reacting to how white people treat us.

  32. Nakale:

    I appreciate the support but please don’t feed them. Whites love us more than we realize. That’s why they show up on black blogs to argue with us. It’s funny how we NEVER go on their sites but they can’t tear themselves away from black flesh. History doesn’t lie.

    I had a banter with a commenter awhile back and it lead nowhere. Save your energy for us and trying to empower our community.

  33. Null on said:

    @Nakale N0, I try not associate myself with those kinds of people.

    @Diary I found your blog by following a link here. The link was from a comment you made on CNN recently. I do not look for websites like yours. I certainly do not spend time on any white supremest sites either. You see, those people wouldn’t like me either, even if I wanted to be there.

    My maternal grandfather’s family was Jewish. Most of them died when when another man, with the same skin tone, decided that Jews were cause of all his country’s ills. Here in America, my grandfather made a good life for himself and when he decided to buy a house in upstate New York, he was told that Jews were not allowed to buy property in that community and he had to look elsewhere.

    My father’s aunt was a writer, a fairly prominent one in her genre. Not only did she write about the oppression of women, but she also wrote about Socialism as well. Men in Washington named McCarthy and Hoover made her life a living hell. She was destitute for most of the 50’s and 60’s because could not find any serious publishers to publish her work.

    Do not think that having fair skin grants a fair life, free of any discrimination. You do not have a monopoly on being treated poorly. It happens to all walks of life, the reasons all have different labels, different “isms” if you will, but it is all sourced out of hate. Admittedly, the color of your skin is a more obvious identifier. Obviously, it is not as easy to hide as your religion or political beliefs, but I don’t see how you can fight the hate with more hate.

    Call it “kumbaya bullshit” if you want, but at least the bitterness doesn’t eat you from the inside out.

  34. I wrote a post today about what you’re doing. I must always remind myself of what I’m dealing with, as my temper is my worst traitor.

    This blog was created by me, a Negro, to talk, share, cry, laugh, educate and heal with my people. I find it utterly fascinating the amount of whites, and yes, Jews are white, that love to tell me who and what I am. The criticisms are endless…

    You, like me, are no longer a slave, are you? You are not shackled nor forced to be here…yet here you are. Ask yourself why.
    To educate the Negress on her ignorance, also called White Man’s Burden.

    I won’t respond further.

  35. My spouse and I stumbled over here by a different page and thought I may as well check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to looking over your web page for a second time.

  36. say no more
    btw, I re-read the “Miseducation” for a fifth time and was reminded of Woodson’s scepticism levelled against white “friends.” And yes, those quotation marks were his own. Even me, I used to attend an Anglican church, whilst my blackness hid in the closet, but after a while, realising that they had no intention about getting serious about “justice” (as they profess is the message of that Gospel) I had to leave, as I could not claim to have any integrity whilst I remained there.

  37. Samadhi on said:

    See that post “Non-White Friends” by Nancy Leong, which confirms your thesis : white people “befriend” (superficially) nonwhites only when it can benefits them.
    There is no such thing as a genuine relationship with a white person.

    […]

    “But why is it problematic if white people exaggerate their non-white friendships, or if white people emphasize convergences between their own views and those of non-white individuals?
    As I see it, the concern is that white people are using non-white people as a source of social capital and racial credibility without actually attempting to engage in meaningful interracial relationships.
    Because of the value associated with non-white racial identity, white people see non-white people as a means to benefit themselves rather than as intrinsically valuable friends and associates. Of course this isn’t true of every relationship between a white person and a non-white person, or even of most such relationships.
    But the value associated with non-whiteness — a value both reflected and reinforced by the diversity rationale and the surrounding social preoccupation with diversity — creates incentives for shallow relationships and affiliations without creating parallel incentives for the harder work of cross-racial engagement and understanding.”

    http://prawfsblawg.blogs.com/prawfsblawg/2012/05/non-white-friends-1.html

  38. @ Samadhi

    Thank you for an insightful analysis and the link.

  39. This is a very good post. Don’t know how I missed it. You made some very good observations on the motives of whites wanting to have black friends.

  40. @ Your Highness

    I learned that whites will befriend anyone who can serve a purpose for them.

  41. Yes I’ve noticed that too. Sometimes they want a black friends so they can ask all those annoying questions.lol

  42. @ Prince

    Yeah….I know all about the, “Why do black people….blah, blah, blah” question.

  43. Yeah I’ve gotten those questions too.lol

  44. Prince, I’m actually writing a series on Confessions of a White Racist where white women have actually asked me about the size of black men’s genitalia…in detail…from length to girth.

    And they feel no shame in asking. In fact, they beg for information.

  45. SomeGuy on said:

    Have you ever noticed that many White people do this same corny ass joke: Say something involves a color, Black or White, such as the term “Black sheep”; White people will say (as if imitating an indignant Black person) “Oh, why’s it got to be a Black sheep??”

    They always do that stupid joke in those situations. And this is coming from White people who have absolutely no connection with one another, but they all know that corny shit.

  46. @ Someguy

    That’s ’cause they went to the White School of Thinking.

  47. I believe it. White women are very bold like that. My sister has had white co workers ask her that also. Also white women are overly aggressive with black men. At least they have been with me. I always get the feeling they want to sexually experiment with me. I don’t take it as a compliment in any sense.

  48. @ Prince

    Funny that you should say that.

    My friend, this 6’5″ black man, and I were talking and the conversation went into the direction of whites and sex.

    I asked him if he’s ever approached a white woman.
    His response?

    NEVER!

    Given the history of black man/ white woman rape accusations, he makes sure he keeps his distance.
    White women, however, will brazenly solicit him for sex. Even going so far as to expose body parts to him for enticement.

    He told me every fling he’s had with a white woman, SHE was the aggressor. This is not shocking to me at all.

  49. Someone (Spokeperson?) recently put this on Abagond’s site. This is one of these rare nuggets of (ABSOLUTE) truth everyone should see …

    If it’s already posted somewhere on your site Truth, my apologies.

    –”Nutricide” by Dr. Llaila Afrika

    “Conversations with supposedly nice, well-meaning Caucasians can cause
    destructive emotions, anger, boredom, frustration, and stress in African people.
    Since African people are highly melaninated, it causes them to be highly
    emotional psychic and spiritually sensitive. Therefore, Africans can feel
    Caucasians are deceitfully hiding their insincerity and are dependent on word
    order or a logical, rational thinking, which relies on word process. In other words,
    Caucasians feel that if something makes sense to them it must make sense to
    everyone. This is arrogance. This is part of their religious belief in the myth of
    White Supremacy. Caucasian conversation has no rhythm and relies on words
    (fragments) to explain their ideas.

    African conversations are chemical and rely on the holistic visualization of the
    concept (picture) to explain the holistic ideas. Caucasians typically move to
    prove their ideas with statistics, research, or laws of average. African people
    typically are in harmony with nature and themselves, and use direct, honest
    and open ideas as proof. This is confusing to hear for the linear communication
    ear of Caucasians.

    Words to African people are used in a ritual and ceremonial ethnic fashion and
    paint pictures. Words for Caucasians are not culturally based, but imagined to
    be a pure form of logic process. They do not see how Eurocentric their words
    are. Caucasian words are based on superstitions, self-centeredness, and the
    collective mental illness of being a psychotic (White Supremacy is a psychosis.)
    They tend to focus on a single idea (fragment) and ignore the total ideas as a
    concept of spiritual and communal rhythmic harmony.

    Fundamentally, the problem with Caucasian and African communication is the
    mentally ill (Caucasian) talking to the sane (African.) An African would have to
    be “out of his mind” and into the Caucasian mind in order to communicate
    effectively with a Caucasian. An African “out of his mind” usually has adopted
    Caucasian thinking processes and does not see the Caucasian as a part of a
    mentally ill civilization. In any case, Caucasian conversation is nutritionally
    draining to Africans because of the built-in psychosis of it, the arrogant insulting
    tone of it, and the double-talk nature of it (conflicting ideas, right and wrong
    mixed, important words are long words, etc.).

    Caucasian conversation is a series of words being processed and is
    self-centered. It causes Africans to have stress, emotional torture, mental
    confusion and it is spiritually upsetting. Africans may not consciously be aware
    of the sympathetic nervous system reaction to the Caucasian verbal assaults,
    but they do feel a sense of vagueness and emptiness from Caucasian “word
    salads.” Caucasians typically use cliches, socially pleasant sentences, “I
    am a nice white person talking to a Negro” tone in their voice; “I am not a racist,
    but I am white and superior” tone, and the African’s inner self reacts to this
    toxic verbal energy. The melanin dominated African holistically feels the toxic
    energy and they must ignite the immune system to defend them from Caucasian
    word use. It nutritionally requires extra vitamin B6, phenylanlanine, yucca, suma
    gingko, tryptophane, rosemary, gotu kola, L-dopa, niacinamide, methionine,
    tyrosine, ginseng, and a natural diet consisting of raw food to cope with the
    subtle energy loss caused by the “word” abuse (unholistic conversation) of
    Caucasian White Supremacists.”

  50. @ Matari

    This deserves a post of its own! Thank you.

  51. Wow! I’ve never had them show their body parts to me.lol I’ll pass on that. But they can be aggressive though. And they get angry and agitated when you don’t want them. They feel we should be honored they want to sleep with us. Sadly,many black men fall for this carp.

  52. @ Prince

    Yeah….only to end up with a 9-11 call.

  53. Alexandra on said:

    That was interesting. I stopped befriending white people a few years ago for the exact same reasons. Plus I notice they’ll be nice to your face then post racist comments online, or you’re always referred to as the black friend. SMH

  54. Same here, I’ve gradually broken off contact with the white half of my family over the past 4-5 years now to where I might have a 10 minute phone call with one of them every 6 months. It does wonders for one’s mental well being to not have to deal with the hypocrisy, double-speak, emotional terrorism, etc.

    Same with Facebook, deleted my account, don’t talk to any of the old white high school “friends”, or white “co-workers”. Life becomes a lot simpler when you stop trying to associate with them.

  55. Bry

    If I had not broken off all communication with whites I would have ended up in a mental hospital.

  56. Thankful on said:

    Thank you so much for this insightful blog. I was born and raised in the West and am non white, so I relate to a lot of what’s been written here. I understand the hurt, frustration, betrayal, disillusionment, anger, sometimes even feelings of powerlessness, and pain of all the shit that people go through (or have gone through) with some of their so-called “friends.” I know you talk about breaking off communication with whites, but before doing that, do you ever think that confronting them for closure is ever beneficial? Have any of your former “friends” ever asked why you cut them off? If they do/have, do you think it’s better to tell them upfront why you’ve done so, or just make some excuse about being busy?

  57. I agree with most of the posts here. Have no desire to be around them – to hateful in their behavior.

  58. The last time I hung out at a heavily white bar, me and one of the other black ladies walked to the bar as she ordered a drink. A black guy was next to us and we began small talk. As my friend and the black guy smiled at each other, a young white guy shoved his way between them slyly, put his drink down between them and forced his way into the convo as if his life depended on getting them apart.

    I don’t want to deal with this sort of hateful vibe where people are obsessed with my skin color, trying to control or even hate of me or others because of it, etc. I agree with most of you posters. Life is too short. Work is ENOUGH, after work I need to have peace of mind and be comfortable! I don’t even read or watch the news anymore, I just don’t want to deal with it and understand at my age now how important it is to be happy and COMFORTABLE in life!

  59. silentseeker1 on said:

    The problem is that white people see racism as conscious hate, when racism is bigger than that. Racism is a complex system of social and political levers and pulleys set up generations ago to continue working on the behalf of whites at other people’s expense, whether whites know/like it or not. Racism is an insidious cultural disease. It is so insidious that it doesn’t care if you are a white person who likes black people; it’s still going to find a way to infect how you deal with people who don’t look like you. Yes, racism looks like hate, but hate is just one manifestation. Privilege is another. Access is another. Ignorance is another. Apathy is another. And so on. So while I agree with people who say no one is born racist, it remains a powerful system that we’re immediately born into. It’s like being born into air: you take it in as soon as you breathe. It’s not a cold that you can get over. There is no anti-racist certification class. It’s a set of socioeconomic traps and cultural values that are fired up every time we interact with the world. It is a thing you have to keep scooping out of the boat of your life to keep from drowning in it.

  60. I’ve had similar experiences as a black boy growing up in White America, so there is really no need to catalogue them here. There is one event which stands out in my mind to this day which occurred when I was 16. My mother sent me to an all-white, all boys high school: only two black kids and two Jewish kids out of hundreds of whites. Everyone else was white Irish living in nearby Dorchester, Quincy, Braintree, or other areas of the South Shore. We all had friends in class, with of course the occasional race jokes from the whites. Most whites were condescending but they pretty much left us alone at this Catholic High School across from the Boston Globe Offices.

    I liked music, even rock n roll because I liked the guitar (Hendrix those days). So I decided to go to one of the school mixers by myself (no date) to listen to the live white groups and their music. I would be the only black boy there. That evening I discovered who my friends were NOT. All (as in every one of)) my white classmates promptly left me alone in the crowded auditorium, either standing by myself, or excluding me from their white friends conversation. Evidently it wasn’t cool to be seen as having black association among all the white girls from the other schools. Very quickly I began to feel very, very alone in that auditorium surrounded by my white classmates and their white friends, all of whom were avoiding me like the plague. I had tried to gravitate from one white group to another but none of them would have me.

    So I went to the center of the auditorium and viewed the rock group on stage from there, pretending to be undisturbed by what was happening to me in my own school. Deep down I was really hurt and feeling very lonely.

    I listened to three songs from that position and just as they started the fourth song, I felt a tap on my arm. I turned to see a pretty young white girl looking up at me. She asked me to dance! I accepted. I felt so relieved. A friend at last. One friend out of maybe 150-200 other people and classmates who would have nothing to do with me at this dance. While we danced she smiled at me and I shyly smiled back at her. But it slowly began to dawn on me what was happening here.

    When we finished dancing, I said thank you and she disappeared into the crowd, back to her friends I guess. Me? I turned and made my way to the auditorium exit, promptly claimed my coat and left the school that night about 30 minutes after arriving at the dance. As I walked I remember the music fading out behind me. I remember being so sad, so lonely as I walked to the train station to take the 45 minute train ride back to Roxbury where I lived.

    That young woman evidently understood what was happening to me as she observed the only black teen in the all white crowd. She probably wondered why I was there. She had probably seen me get rejected as I asked some other white girls to dance. She may have even known some of my classmates and seen them turn from me. Then she saw me walk alone to the center of the auditorium and watch the band from there while couples danced around me. I’m guessing that she could sense my isolation and loneliness, and with that, and some kindness and compassion, she came over and asked me to dance (which now was the last thing I expected from anyone in that environment). She knew something that I had yet to learn, and most likely felt very sorry for me. She probably had decent parents who raised her well and understood the white attitude toward blacks.

    And she rose above the potential damage it could do to her reputation, to offer a kind gesture to a very lost black kid who didn’t belong there, not caring about how other white kids, possibly even her friends might talk about her.

    That was a defining moment of my life. She was my only ‘friend’ in a sea of prejudice and ignorance that night. I have nothing but respect for that young teenage girl, whoever she was. If I could find her today…I’d simply want to hug her and thank her for saving me from nearly total despair.

    I did not attend any more mixers or my school’s high school prom. I went on to live in the Boston white world now with a new perspective on what it meant to be black in America.

  61. I am blown away. I thought I was the only one. After being a token negro and being in an interracial relationship it dawned on me the reason for my depression was simply being black. Racism was my problem. I went to white/asian therapists and saw their eyes glaze over as I would speak. A white doctor revealed to me they gave me placebo level anti depressants at the VA. The military almost killed me. I never thought of why outside of my white husband I never had any interaction with whites. The dismissal, saying I am “projecting”, inability to see me as human. I was suicidal even setting a date for october 11 this year. I could not take it any longer. I don’t belong here. It is draining to be around whites. I left a family owned white company 2 weeks ago. The racist jokes were through the roof and the way they fake being nice and go ” over the top” to not offend you is unbelievable. I had a SIMPLE question about the color of the body of a light fixture and the sales manager said “the only other color we have is a blacks one NO OFFENSE! ” what was the purpose of that. I fled from that place. No longer could take it now I attend a majority hispanic school and though I still don’t trustthem it is not the same foolishness as being around whites. I want whites to segregate themselves I admire their technology and their need to always improve but to surround yourself with them is damaging. I started hating other black ppl, seeing myself as non-human, feeling anxious, adopted a white supremacist lens, constantly placing myself on te racial hierarchy and coming in last. I was a refugee running from blackness.

  62. Hi guys, I know I am really late to the discussion, but I just want to quote someone from another blog who said:

    ~~

    (In response to the question “Can a black woman and a white woman be TRUE friends?”)

    “When I was in my 20s, I would have answered yes. But the words of my grandma have been weighting heavily on me over the past few years. “If white people are comfortable around you, then you doing something wrong.”

    In all of my friendships with white women, at some point, they show their true selves. Which is, at the end of the day, in my opinion, white women do not see black women as equals and only feel comfortable around you if you play a role comfortable for THEM. This role usually means:

    1. You give them signals (tacit or explicit) that their whiteness validates you.
    2. You are beneath them in appearance through the lens of white supremacy.
    3. You are entertainment
    4. They are saving you
    5. You are a negative stereotype.

    In other words, if they have reconciled in their minds that you are not a threat, then I think that they can be your “friend”. Otherwise, Hell no.

    These are MY experiences”
    ~~

    TRUE, TRUE, TRUE!!
    I am a Black Caribbean young female (Jamaican & Bajan), lived there for 4 years when I was little, listen to all of the REAL Reggae and Soca music, and know every single traditional recipe and how to make it. I speak and understand Patois fluently. Yes, I can whine (talking about the dance women do in the Caribbean) down to the floor and pick it up. I go back regularly and am SUPER close with my family and am never ashamed. I have not washed down my roots for ANYONE. I rep. my culture 100%, I’m not in-your-face patriotic, but I rep my roots & I never forget it & make sure you don’t, too.

    But I grew up in NYC. And I noticed not only do white women have a problem with Black women, but they REALLY have a problem with Caribbean black women. Or just Black women who are what men would consider beautiful, gorgeous, hot, sexy, feminine, stylish, have curves & are in shape (or, even worse for them, in amazing shape!) Even more so if you’re educated and are making strides career-wise and don’t need their validation. And you have a boyfriend/husband that is handsome (OMG, worse if he’s BLACK & he’s into you!!). THEY GO CRAZY!! THEY CAN’T HANDLE IT & THEY BECOME BITCHES! I have experienced this at arm’s length (when I’m out, at clubs, when I’m with my hot basketball player-looking BLACK BOYFRIEND…)

    NO, they want a Black girl friend who is in her rightful place, one who does not challenge their delicate egos, their entitlement, their privilege, their sense of superiority… a Black girl friend who is not the hotter one or the smarter (or both) of the two. GOD FORBID YOU ARE! I am of the firm belief that a Black girl/woman cannot be friends with a White girl/woman if she is excelling at life & is very physically attractive (to all races of men, but ESPECIALLY to WHITE MEN & TO HER OWN…BLACK MEN!). You can only be friends if you serve one of the above purposes for them.

    That’s my take on the whole situation. X

  63. @ Ariana

    Much appreciated. I still get comments and emails about being “friends” with white females.

  64. angel9loveu on said:

    @Negress
    Reading this today and this blog was especially healing as usual but most of the comments were as well,especially the comment from @Matari with the quote.This described perfectly my emotional breakdown from being around whites day in and day out, deadly to our well being.Thanks.:)

  65. I grew up round white people not in a diverse place at all. I have had white female friends and still have. But somehow the older I get the less I want to deal with them. They are draining. The best way you Truth have referred to them as vampires is true….I feel like i’m going away from whiteness….

    I have really started to to think the same as many have wondered above? Can you really be friends with whites.

    I have similar feelings that they only see you true the whiteness lense and want to be your friend when it benefits them…. Social capital, entertainment. But then when it’s time to prove their loyalty or help you in a difficult situation they show their true colors. I’m biracial but I have similar feelings than the rest of you.

    I think we also have very different expectations about friendship…. It’s true that whites are different from us. Really the opposite. Which is one of the reasons it can never work.

    They also envy us. Our lips, hips you name it….. I’m biracial but have gotten weird remarks about my lips or my ability to sing from white females who have birth biracial children themselves!!! Really cracy……

    And sometimes when you go out with them and get attention from guys. They always assume it’s them when it wasn’t the case. They really think they are always the most prettiest lol. I also noticed many of them having a poor posture and not looking all that good when they get to their forties…. Short hair and not really all that has been promoted…

    The racist jokes are also annoying in white parties… And then they are all like it’s just a joke…… I have stopped going to the white parties……

    I have been thinking like what’s the point when you always feel afterwards tired and emotionally abused…..

    This post has received really many comments! Really hot topic!!!

    Cheers,

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