diaryofanegress

Observations of an Invisible Woman

Unwanted Roommate

Pale Horse

 

Underneath my blackness, lives a visitor

She is The Pale Horse

She whispers to me “Nigger…get back! You’ll never make it!”

I close my eyes

fight her

punch her

kick her

pull at my brain…make her stop…Pleeeeeeeease!

I wanna be in peace and live in ease

But she cackles her deathly grin and sneers

“I’ll never leave. I’m here to stay. You’re stuck with me, I’ll never go away.”

So I run nowhere with quickened feet

Only to embrace my imminent defeat

Scream with no voice

Cry with no tears

Sleep while awake

I’ve done this for years

Accomplishments  forsaken with a dirty glance in the mirror

Her reflection stares arrogantly at me

“Told ya. You see?”

I call upon the ancestors for strength and I win…sometimes

But I’m tired… worn out…immobile… atrophy has set in

May I sleep forever?

Will I smile never?

Too much to be done all at once

How do I rid myself of my unwanted roommate?

She’s here to stay

As she says, “I’ll never go away.”

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23 thoughts on “Unwanted Roommate

  1. larissa on said:

    Wow this was like reading the story of my life. Stay strong sister truth, you have come this far!

  2. mary burrell on said:

    Sadly, this how many black people feel. I’ve felt this way many times. But I’m thankful for my faith in God to strenthen me.

  3. mary burrell on said:

    *This is * forgive typos in above comment.

  4. I think this is a testament to the fact that the normal brainwashing didn’t work on certain people so they send in re-inforcement. I feel your anguish just from your beautiful poem but pls consider the source of your ‘torment’. What really have they accomplished? Are you still a feeling, compassionate, loving human being? Are you still maintaining your daily routine? Have they altered the basic core of who you are as a person? Have they changed/altered your core belief system? Finally, have they made you concede that God’s supreme divination is NO match for their imagined ‘divination’? If you can say no to all or at least most of these things…then really what have they accomplished but daily inconveniences & irritations? God has you & all of us who are on the side of righteousness in HIS embrace. I say view it as a badge of honor instead of as a curse–our enemies come for those of strength b/c why bother with the weak? We are the proverbial David & the Creator has already provided all the emotional/spiritual slingshots we will ever need.

  5. Thank you Black Family for the words of encouragement. I awoke this morning feeling my blackness and for some reason, it challenged me.

    Usually, my Carbon is my life force but looking in the face of true Evil left me spent. But I’ll be ok.

    I just needed to get this off my chest.

  6. mary burrell on said:

    I think you are feeling a little battle weary. I’m praying for your strength.

  7. Crissjensen on said:

    Satan( whites) couldn’t wipe them out. For years the white devil slaughtered them by the thousands.

    “You may kill us, torture us, condemn us,” said one Black Christian to his persecutors, “your injustice is the proof that we are innocent.”

    Satan could see they he had to change his tactics. they would come up with a better scheme. What could the white devil’s think of to do better than killing them?

    Make things easy – and infiltrate! Like a wise white general he would corrupt the black church/community from the inside.

    Watch what happens.

    No more being torn apart by dogs and lions, or used as dupes to be cut down in cold blood, or human torches to light up thewhite world for the joy of it. Now Christianity is the state religion! Things are going great. Or so it seems.

    But little by little, as everyone relaxes and quits worrying about being tortured to death, something happens.

    Compromise!

    Gradually the leaders, for the sake of popularity and gain, let down the standards to make it easier for the pagans to come into the black church. But this brings in errors and pagan customs.

    Not at all surprised by Satan’s scheme to corrupt His church – from within, God gives us fair warning. Listen to Paul’s shocking words.

    “Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day (of the Lord) shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition; Who opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God, or that is worshipped; so that he as God sitteth in the temple of God, shewing himself that he is God.” “For the mystery of iniquity doth already work:” II Thessalonians 2:1- 4,7. Oh yes. He saw it coming! The mysterious work of corruption rapidly progressed after the death of the last Apostle.

    Question: What happened?

    After persecution ceased, Satan’s great device was to control the leaders of the church. If he could inflate their ego; make them money hungry, the whole body would be affected. A popularity contest would be on to get as many heathen to accept Christianity as possible. The wealth and prestige of the church would grow. Who cares if you have to change the Bible somewhat to get them! Just introduce some of the heathen customs and rites into Christianity, give them Christian names, and the heathen will flock in.

  8. I know for a fact that all of us go through a cleansing period every now and then. The more clarified things become, the more your Spirit will be revealed by The Creator. I stopped believing anything that comes out of the church and I’ve got huge, huge unanswered questions about the bible after researching its origins (king james version). I became even more skeptical after studying more about the origins of the catholic church prior to the 1100s; the invasion of Black Europe by albino whites from Central Asia; and I still fail to believe the lie that a supreme being could self-conceive without the participation or balancing contribution (or even spiritual element/assistance) provided by a female counterpart. Yin and yang represent infinite balance, harmony, which exists throughout the entire universe. I’m not saying that everything in it is false but there’s a lot of the content has been used to as a weapon against Black people. We can’t forget that religion was used as a psychological tool to monitor and persuade slaves against rebellion or escape of any form. Religion is like a drug and is used to control peoples’ lives. I personally believe that 99.9% of the people referred to in the bible were either Black or Asian and with no whites, and they changed this book solely and exclusively because of that very reason. You can’t believe nothing you read nowadays. Another reason why I say that racism was an invented phenomenon to defend or counter the discovery of inevitable genetic annihilation.

  9. Pingback: Invisible WomanUnwanted Roommate « Innerstanding Isness

  10. ME THINKS!! I have that very seem bitch living with me. I told her on a number of occasions that I need my space, please move over there with the rest of the demon seed. I keep forgetting that she can’t hear.

    We all as true Black people with some knowledge of self will have to deal with her. Your words spoke of true inner turmoil or as dem ah say–art imitating life. I feel and felt your helplessness, we all feel it day in and day out. We find ourselves running on wet ice and getting really tired and getting nowhere. What else are we to do? The reason you know your being successful is because that roommate is there. You wanna get rid of her? Turn on the tv, visit McDonalds, get you some 24’s, some baby daddies, a weave down your back, some glow in the dark self-hatred and that will make her haul ass. HER JOB HAS BEEN DONE!!! She made another coon.

    Very good Sista. Now stop it!!

  11. Emile

    Well said. Take what you can get from any religious book but have faith in The Most High and believe in Him-Her.

  12. Jesus

    I hear ya. I awoke with her front row center but I’m better now. I’ll skip Mickey d’s, and baby daddies though.

  13. Never turn your back on them… A good reaso not to have them for neighbors.

  14. thank you for sharing

  15. Mickey on said:

    @ emile,

    Have you seen the documentaries “Hidden Colors” & “Hidden Colors 2: The Triumph of Melanin”? Both documentaries talk about the origins of religion and how it has been whitewashed and used as a tool against Blacks, known as Spiritual Warfare.

  16. Crissjensen on said:

    I agree. which is somthing we watch out for when around these “FOE’S”

  17. I haven’t seen the films in their entirety but highly recommend both of them. What I like most about these type of media is the educational content within them that truly reaffirms self-respect for our people with dense, factual information by the featured scholars. And these people are true scholars with no “hidden” agenda. A lot of the referenced material I have either read or seen in my personal studies. There is s-o-o-o-o much history that we need to know prior to the quasi-benchmark period of August 1619, which was supposedly the first time that our ancestors were brought here as slaves, which is non-sense. Black people were conducting international trade with people in the Americas for centuries prior to the advent of slavery, as documented by the likes of Chancellor Williams, Dr. Ivan VanSertima, Dr. John Henrik Clarke and many others.

  18. In that case, get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

  19. Tyrone on said:

    @Negress

    Go=Movement
    Movement=Action
    Action=Thought

    A Pale Horse…Not The Norm…Unusual…Contrary

    GoTeam

  20. Tyrone on said:

    @hunglikejesus

    Yes, she can hear you loud and clear blackman…Play Wit It! She is gasoline on the fire of my soul, which increases the flame that burns within…Motivation! A “dark angel” in every sense of the word. Come over here white girl, I have to tell you something…Blessed Are The Righteous! I see thru you, try harder baby!!!

    Go=Green Light=Move

  21. Negress,

    I think when we are growing in spiritual strength, we are going to be visited by that unwanted roommate (demon). You may be at a different spiritual place in your life today and are now standing in Christ, so this demon will try to create inner distractions, barriers and walls in your mind, but only as far as you can allow it to…

    Negress, the next time you are visited by this unwanted roommate, instead of battling with it, remind it that satan was rendered powerless because of Christ willful submission on the cross.

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